S: saw the bag of stuff u passed to me this morning. What does that mean? That you are not going to see me again?Can u explain to me what the situation is, how you are feeling and what is happening? Just talk pl? I jus finished work. Been very busy. Please help me will u?
Me: Im hurting so much. i just couldnt take it anymore.
Fine Print: Should you asked me why? isnt it obvious enough? what would you feel if the person you love would blog about how she misses somebody else? how she misses her 'ex' touch knowing that you just did something with her a day before? Do u really want to know why? i think u already know why...u just dont like to face the truth that you're hurting somebody unintentionally. and because u expect me to be the friend that u want me to be, u think i will understand. u think i will be ok.
S: I am not with E anymore. And pl stop that nonsense about me still feeling for her. It is part of the healing process. U didnt get over your exes in 2 weeks did u?
Me: no reply
Fine Print: You are not with her physically, but your heart, your mind, evrything about you is still all about her..everything you say, everything u do..healing process??is this what u call healing? going out with somebody and asking her (or should i say me) to be your kissing/fucking friend while you get over your ex? is this how you heal wounds? at the expense of somebody's feelings?
S: And u are giving it all up friendship and all because of an entry i wrote as an outlet for my feelings while i am in recovery? Be fair chel.
Me: Im sorry if u think im not being fair.
Fine Print: I know im not fair...but are u? I think what you're doing to me is not fair either. You asked me to be there for you and you asked me not to love you...you sleep with me, you do things with me..then u asked me not to feel for you? are u kidding me? how can u make love to someone you dont love? im not your sex slave! i dont make out just for lust. i make love with you coz i love you. and you know that. you said its just an outlet? if its just an outlet, then why dont you write an entry for private or friends viewing only? why make it for public viewing? because u know that she does not have an LJ account and she can only read it if you make it a Public posting..because you want her to read it..you want her to know how much you miss her..and her kisses and her touch...shit!!
S: No. That is not the point. I understand where u are coming from. I jus wished and asked nothing more from you than your friendship and your presence and not add more distress by jus leaving. What did i do wrong?
Me: U did nothing wrong. I am just giving you time and space to heal.
Fine Print: Why cant you stop being so selfish? why cant u understand that i also have feelings? U dont want me to add 'DISTRESS' to what you already have? and how about the pain that you're giving me in each entry that you write in your blog? in each attempt to communicate with her friends? You wouldnt tell me a thing..u wouldnt talk about your feelings..you say you're not ready...and i respected that but why is it that you can stay up all night with her friends to talk about it? am i not really important to you? when will you respect how i feel about all these? i want you to respect me. i need you to respect me. im pulling away because i respect myself enough not to let you treat me like this.
S: First, no meeting for prayer concert without any reason, then u refuse to reply to sms and refuse to pick up calls then no email replies close down your blog, then no reply about cg then u return all my things, then u tell me u are giving us up. what is next? I am already quite broken and everyday u are adding to my brokenness. Why do i have this feeling u are punishing me? For what did i do chel?
Me: Im punishing myself, not you. i dnt intend to make u feel that way. im sorry if add burden to wat u already hav now. i dnt hav any excuse for that. im jst sorry.
Fine Print: Im punishing myself for loving you. i am sorry i loved you.
S: U are not giving me time and space uncl. I did not ask u to stay away. U did that for your own sake, not mine.
Me: Whats my own sake? i may not be fair to u, but i am not selfish to think of my own sake and intentionally hurt someone. im not like that.
Fine Print: Look who's talking about selfishness... i deserve more credit than this...you know me better than to say this.
S: Sigh...Dun be silly and do that to yourself. Jus be around for me? and lets enjoy the friendship Ok? We got a far greater thing than just something that can be given up jus like that.
Me: Sorry. i can't be d friend i've promised u before.
Fine Print: enjoy the friendship? is this what you call friendship? is this how you treat your friends?
S: Yes Chel, i know u have my best interest at heart and that any hurt u have caused is not intentional...so can we keep this frenship please?
Me: im so tired...im so tired of running and drinking and crying. i hope u will understand. i cant be there for you anymore. thank u for everything.
Fine Print: no, thanks but no thanks. not all friends are for keeps.
S: Sigh...i am tired too..i jus dun know what to do anymore. No energy chel. I jus wished u would value the friendship as much as i do...Anytime u are ready to pick up where we left off, pl let me know can? I really value u and your friendship. I am sorry for everything. Jus promise me that you continue to grow in God k? Duns top attending the church, dun stop reading His word and dun stop talking to Him.
Me: No reply
Fine Print: now u have the guts to question how i value our friendship? stop telling me what to do. stop telling me to pray. im not a hypocrite. i dont go to church because my CG mates will look for me if i dont show up. i dont attend CGs because it makes me feel good. I am not just GAY. my being gay is not the be all and end all of my life. My being gay is just a small part of my life. i talk to HIM, i pray to HIM even without you in my life, i will go to church because i want to be with HIM and not because i want to be with you. Please stop all these superficial christian reminders. I cant just accept and absorb them right now..especially if it comes from you...
SUNDAY
S: How may i answer to those who asked the reason for your absence from cell group and church? What would you like me to say?
Me: I dont know...im sorry for all the inconvenience im causing you.
Fine Print: Now you're worried about what other people would say...why cant you live your life without worrying about others? if you think you've done nothing wrong, why bother? you never worried about how i would feel with everything you've said and done, right? so why worry now?
S: U are not going to church and cg at all?
Me: Im sorry for evrything. im sorry if im hurting u. im sorry if i failed u. im sorry if im not good in keeping promises. im sorry if im not there for u like i've always told u
Fine Print: --- no fine print..i really meant it this time.
S: Jus take some time to sort yourself out, sort your thoughts, your feelings out. U know i will be around if u need. Jus dun stop going to church k?
Me: no reply
Fine Print: Are u talking to yourself?
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