I am so tired.

...very very tired.

I lift up everything to YOU...

Run Rachel Run!!!

I jogged yesterday...woke up at 7am, ran for 20 minutes before i took a shower and headed for office. It was good. Felt so good. and liberating.

Then i realized, i only run, when im bothered. Hmm...is my subconcious mind telling me something? Sometimes i run, when i want to run from something. whether its a problem at home, or matters of the heart. I remembered the last time i run, was when i was still seeing my kissing friend. tsk tsk..if im running from something...i wonder what could that be? tsk tsk...need to think more...but my legs and whole body is aching...cannot think now...im just so tired.

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There's so many things i want to blog about...im gonna list it down here so i wont forget:

- what do i want in a relationship
- maybe its better to just be single
- wishlist for myself
- friends who are so dear to me
- things/people that i miss
- places i want to visit
- people who made a difference in my life

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If its still not obvious, this is a blog of an exhibitionist. a blog of someone who just talks about her life, her journey, and her world.

So much drama...on a valentine's day

...after an 'it seemed-like-eternity-valentines-day', i was able to survive through the day.

yeah..you might say im too cheesy..or too hopeful or should i say hopeless romantic. but thats really who i am. and im not ashamed of that.

i am the kind of person who likes giving surprises, who thinks birthdays are too special, who likes picnic on a valentines day, regardless of how corny it sounds, who always have background music in every special moment in my life...etc etc...

actually, its not really that bad, as it thought it would be. after watching the movie 'New Girl In Town', i was actually feeling ok already. It was a nice feel good movie and i really missed watching movie alone. Had my beef chili fries at Carl's Jr. which made my afternoon even better. Loved it!

Its just when i was on my way to meet the other girls in church, that it hit me. She wasnt there for my birthday, coz she have a class (though she showed up last 1.5 hours before midnight), and yesterday, she said she is tired. That's two in a row! i tried to look ok when i reached church, but i just couldnt hide it. i think i was so grumpy that i couldnt even join the other girls for dinner after the outreach. I know if one more person ask me if im ok, im gonna breakdown any minute so i just had to leave.

am i so petty? yeah probably. i know its petty. but those petty lil things in life, makes big special moments. at least for me, it does.

but oh well...it still ended a bit ok. at almost 11pm last night, she showed up in front of my door, with a rainbow lollipop in her hand and a cheesecake and a carrot cake and an apple pie and a tokyo banana creamcake..and a big big hug.

i dont know why she showed up.

i hope its love.

and not guilt.

so much drama...for one day.


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DISCLAIMER:
i hope no one is reading this. i just had to write it. else im gonna explode. and im too lazy to create another blog. sigh. so yeah... if you accidentally see my blog, sorry for my endless drama. life is too short...maybe some drama could make it longer...

Birthdays

Just turned 34 last Tuesday...

each birthday that i have, becomes less and less special each year. i wonder why? for those people who know me, they know that birthdays are too special for me. not only mine, but the birthdays of those close to my heart. i consider you my close friend if i know your birthday.

but this year, for the first time in my 34 years on earth, i went to work and worked and worked till i had to leave, and then went home, eat homecooked dinner and watched TV. had a chocolate cake and then slept.

i am not complaining. got my favorite's lana's chocolate cake and i had dinner with jaime, with 2 other friends the night before. and last sunday, cyn and ju gave me a massage voucher.

i am just surprised at myself, what on earth is happening to me? am i becoming too practical that i dont romanticized the 'bday' idea anymore? If there's one thing i have always been proud of, its the way i make bdays special.

sigh. never ending questions.

am i on the brink of midlife crisis?

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Come to think of it, i only have one more year to go...all my plans stop at 35. will see how it goes.


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Belated happy Birthday to me!

Missing me...

It felt like years since i last blogged. I dont know...i just couldnt find words to write, no thoughts to reflect on. nothing. i felt like a stone. no feelings. no hurt.no joy.i just want to write again. no matter how messy.no matter how scattered my words are.i just want to write. i just want to do something i love doing.

honestly, its very tempting. to just be a rock and not be affected by anything or anyone. i have never been so steady with my emotions. it has always been too extreme, too hurt, too sad, too happy, too in love, too excited. now is more steady. so-so. no hurt, no pain, and no cloud 9 too. sometimes it gets boring, but i must admit it is safe. i wonder if its just goes with the age? or just being jaded?

anyway...no matter what it is...i just couldnt care. i will just write coz i miss doing this.

ok, i think i just repeated myself.

who cares.

ok, now i will sleep with a smile on my face.

coz i finally wrote something on my blog. and i finally admitted i miss myself.

sad and blue

i dont know how im feeling...but two words i can think of right now, i know i am sad and blue...

too many things, too many reasons... somehow, i feel some hurt inside me.

people who played a big part in my life esp here in SG...not a day would pass that i would not hear from them or talk or meet up with them...and now, I cant even start a decent conversation, cant even say a word when i see them physically or online.

have we outgrown each other?
have we forgotten the friendship?
have we allowed the hurt before to come between us?
have we become too detached to not even remember how close we were?

i feel that i lost 3 people in my life last year...

now i think that's more than enough to make someone feel sad and blue.

sigh.

cant even blog properly.

thoughts are scattered.

i dont even know how to end this.

sigh.

Endings and Beginnings...

it's been so long...

too many endings and new beginnings.

hoping for brighter tomorrow. with less people hurt. with less tears.

more to come.

Addicted to Love

...read this today from a friend's blog:

The intensity of your withdrawal symptoms does not indicate the strength of your love but the strength of your addiction.

...it was hard for me before to let let go of my feelings for my kissing friend...could it be that i am just addicted to love? or just addicted to her? hmmm...

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anyways...its been so long since my last entry...and as always, many things have happened...

- im going home for a 10 day vacation to PHILS!!
- just got back from cambodia from my 3 day trip...woohoo...felt like lara croft!!
- i just turned 32 last week (a year wiser i hope)
- the new friend i met last december (whom i said in my last entry, that im not attracted to) is now my girlfriend =)
- i am happy now... i've got that smile in my heart thats been missing for so long
- you wanna know how happy i am? check my profile, you can see there the link to the blog i created for her.