its been a while since my last entry...so i will just write whatever comes to my mind...so many things, so many realizations, so many challenges...but the most important things is...im still here. coping and surviving, and trying to become a better person each day.
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...its my last working day for the year! woohoo! and im glad i'll be having my much needed 5 days off from work!
...was baptized last Dec 10 at Covenant Church! i am now a protestant! but its more than the change in religion. maybe you gotta see for yourself if there is any change in me..
...met a new friend...turned out to be, the ex of my kissing friend's ex. hah! she's nice. very intelligent. and very sensible. but im surprised to find myself not being attracted to her despite so many similarities in our interests. celibacy is now starting to work ....
...sent my kissing friend my last email for the year. just thanked her for the friendship, though we may not be comfortable as we used to, still, im grateful for her coz she's the one who brought me back to church.
...this month, i received an email from anny (though not directly emailed to me but to our yahoogroup) that she's going to New Zealand. whew! i was so caught offguard with the news. i dont know how to react, i dont even know if i should react. my hands were trembling as i ask her if its ok to email her just for that day. and she said ok. then i learned from her that she will start working there in the first week of january and that N will stay in the phils for a while coz her papers are not ok yet. it was hard. so damn hard as i read her replies telling me of whats gonna happen to her and her gf. i know i should be happy for her. and that i should be happy for both of them. but how can i avoid feeling this way...the 'it should have been me' feeling...sigh...till now, when i think of our plans before we broke up, the starting up of business, buying a car, and going to new zealand...everything came true...i bought a house, she bought a car, she'll be living in NZ and im living here in SG except, we dont have each other anymore in our lives... tell me. how can i not feel anything? sourgraping? no...i dont think i am. im just sad that things didnt turn out exactly the way we planned it to be.
...went to Ruth's CD launching last Dec 22. band was so good! then out of nowhere, i saw Cat. It turned out that she's a guest performer for the night. Was able to catch up with her as i leave the bar. And im happy i approached her. I didnt expect her to share with me her testimonies of being a reformed lesbian. I didnt even know she was a lesbian. And right there, along Armenian Street, she prayed for me. I felt that God was working through her. I felt something was filling the gap that has always made me feel empty.
...now i am still trying to resist temptations. haven't gone out on a date and i havent tried to bring someone to bed. i go out...but its all friendly dates. i may not be able to change right away...i may still be a lesbian for the longest time...i may still be attracted to women...but i am gonna try to be stronger and be true to my word...i know feelings are inevitable...but i also know i can control myself on what i do with those feelings.
well....this year, is quite eventful i think. so many things happened. joined a support group, met new friends, i've learned to accept myself more, and started to forgive myself. I've met my kissing friend, had to let go of her too, and met some more people in the community. I've learned a lot...though the hard way, i must say. but the lessons are all worth it.
LIFE still surprises me...for this year that had passed, i laughed so hard..cried a bucket...and loved much...and this coming year, i am looking forward to more laughter, tears, and joy...and at the end of these all, i will still stand with my head up high knowing that i lived my life to its fullest.
