an email that was never sent

i was cleaning my trash emails and checking the drafts i havent sent...i came across one email... adressed to my ex-kissing friend. i can't remember why i didnt bother sending it to her... but just so it wouldnt go to waste..i am posting it here.


First email from me:
after everything that's been said and done..i still ask myself, if i really loved you or if it was just a friendship thats gone overboard or was it just that we are at the right place and time when we both needed someone....i read this from somewhere...now i know the answer to my question.

chel
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Love isn't when you can't sleep... it's when you want to keep your eyes open...Love isn't when you keep holding on... it's when you learn to let go...Love isn't when you kill yourself with jealousy... it's when you understand...Love isn't when you fall for someone... it's when you catch that person when she falls...Love isn't when you see her everywhere... it's when you close your eyes and she is still there...Love isn't when you tell her what you feel... it's when you give everything for her sake...


Her reply to my email:

Did you ask a question?
What was written at the bottom... very real.. very idealistic.. welcome to
the real world..
tell me more about what u mean?

hugs
S


The draft email i never sent:

if you will read the email again...yes..i did ask a question..for myself. and after reading those things about love..it is when i realized the answer to my question..

Love isn't when you can't sleep... it's when you want to keep your eyes open...
i stay late at night...not because i can't sleep..but because i want to read your postcards... and listen to your music...
i dont sleep during lunch not because i am not sleepy but because i want to read all our previous email exchanges and your previous blog entries...

Love isn't when you keep holding on... it's when you learn to let go...
when u told me you dont wanna feel anything for anyone...it is when i've realized that it is but right to let go...if that is the only way i can help you, i will give way to what you want, no matter how hard it may seem

Love isn't when you kill yourself with jealousy... it's when you understand...
even if you tell me you're so busy, and then you will sms me that you're with this and that till late late night...i dont feel jealous...coz i know you need those kind of company..people who will make you smile and forget your worries even for a while...people whom you can talk to about anything. im glad that you have found new friends...i know we can never be like that anymore...and as much as i would want to be the company that you need, i can't..and thats why im glad you found them.

Love isn't when you fall for someone... it's when you catch that person when she falls...
i realized that i dont have to fall for you just to love you... i can just be there when things dont go the way you want them to be... i hope that day would not come, but if it really cant be stopped from happening, then im just here, to help you....or just be there to cry with you.

Love isn't when you see her everywhere... it's when you close your eyes and she is still there...
it doesnt really matter now if i see u thrice a week or once a week or once a month... i can always see u smiling and laughing and sneezing in my memory.

Love isn't when you tell her what you feel... it's when you give everything for her sake...
need i say more?



with all these things, i finally understood that being in love with someone and loving someone are two different things.
you see, all the while, i thought i was in love with you.
then i realized...i wasnt...
i am not in love.....i was not in love
..i just loved.

i dont know why, i dont know how...but i did. yes...DID.

Friday once again

its friday once again...one more day down...72 days to go before the new year!!

there is so much to write, i will just type and think or think and type...or maybe easier if i just type and not think at all...so here goes...

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been reading a lot of blogs lately..most of them, blogs of filipino women...some, straight...some, not so straight...some, confused. i find it very interesting really. different stories, different reactions to things. i find myself commenting to their entries and i kinda enjoy reading their replies too. huh! talk about being busy. dont get me wrong. i have lots of work here nowadays. but sometimes, you just get tired of it you want to do something new. you want to read something more than the program codes.... hopefully, i'll have my internet access at home by next week...cant wait to read more blogs hehe

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i am now talking to my ex-kissing friend (for the nth time!) ... but its quite different now. each time i see her, i try my very best to detach any emotions. quite hard, esp for me who is too sentimental. i try very hard not to ask anything about her or her personal life. dont want to hear more lies, couldnt stand more superficial conversations with her... sigh...sometimes, we run out of things to say... a bit uncomfy for both of us, i could sense her effort to think of things to ask and say too... sometimes, i wonder, if we'll ever get tired of this kind of friendship...it sucks!! i told her the last time i saw her that i dont trust her anymore... as much as i would want to bring back the way we used to be as friends, i couldnt. its just so hard to trust again if the person keeps on hurting you...im not that stupid. im not numb. i have feelings too. and i get tired too.

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two nights ago, i was sms-ing a friend... the keyboardist i was talking about in my previous entries, then we were talking about faith and struggles..and i dont know..it just came out..i told her the truth. and she was so cool (not cold) about it. not that i expected her to be shocked or anything but at least, she was so calm when i told her. im meeting her on sunday..for breakfast..and we'll talk more. this is the 'coming out' kinds that i've always looked forward to..coming out to close friends..not just colleagues or acquaintances..i really dont care if they know or not..wouldnt even bother admitting or denying. what matters to me are the people close to my heart, family, close friends, and bestfriends. because they're the people whom i want to know so they would understand. and hopefully, accept.

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im quite pissed off with work today. sometimes, i still feel like im being discriminated here. and i hate it! not only because im a girl in a men's department (or so they've thought!) but also because im a filipino. yesterday, they were talking to one Filipino lady staff in their PH office, and they had a hard time pronouncing her name and then they keep on telling me how filipino names are awful! HELLO!!! as if their names are that nice! Grrrrrr.... if i had not controlled my temper, i could have given them the filipino version of jab and upper cut!!!

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had two drum lessons already..woohoo!! looking forward to the third this coming sunday! feels good..so goooooood!! the instructor is quite nice. intimidating at first maybe because he's a big big guy hehehe hopefully, i can play the song 'that thing you do' .... can't wait to play it like tom everett scott did!!!

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as i've mentioned...i've been reading some blogs...and its nice to come across blogs about gay people having found the love of their lives ...like ellen and her rachelle, joy and her joyjoy, mich and her heidi....sigh....these people...these kind of stories are the ones that makes me look forward to that day when i'll be meeting her... the kind of inspiration that makes me stand after each fall... and when that day comes...there will be rachel and her _______....

Healed and Whole

Healed and Whole

(by Carol Parott)

One day I dug a little hole

and put my hurt inside

I thought that I could just forget

I'd put it there to hide.

But that little hurt began to grow

I covered it every day

I couldn't leave it and go on

It seemed the price I had to pay.

My joy was gone,

my heart was sad

Pain was all I knew.

My wounded soul enveloped me

Loving seemed too hard to do.

One day, while standing by my hole

I cried to God above

And said, "If You are really there --

They say, You're a God of love!"

And just like that -- He was right there

And just put His arms around me

He wiped my tears, His hurting child

There was no safer place to be.

I told Him all about my hurt

I opened up my heart

He listened to each and every word

To every sordid part.

I dug down deep and got my hurt

I brushed the dirt away

And placed it in the Master's hand

And healing came that day.

He took the blackness of my soul

And set my spirit FREE!

Something beautiful began to grow

Where the hurt used to be.

And when I look at what has grown

Out of my tears and pain

I remember every day to give my hurts to Him

And never bury them again.

when the going gets tough...

...the past few weeks have been very busy for me. not to mention stressful. my patience is always being tested...sometimes, i just feel like surrendering. and just stop feeling and breathing and living. family, love, friends,work.... its just too much sometimes.

but i know...these shall pass. i know there's always something to look forward to after all these. so i might as well cheer up and not waste my time sulking.... sigh....but knowing myself, it's easier said than done.

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A friend sent me an email....very nice email.


from the top of the ladder to the end of the rope,
in the fullness of joy,
in the absence of hope,
when you're lost in the crowd,
when you feel all alone,
when you're close to the fire,
when you're far from your home;
wherever you are,
whatever your care,
God is already there.


When the river is dry,
when the sun doesn't shine,
when the shadows are long,
when you're all outta time,
when the people you love you cannot comprehend,
when you want to be real but can only pretend;
wherever you are,
whatever your care,
God is already there.


When the road makes a turn,
when the detour is long,
when the war has begun,
when the border is drawn,
when you're dying to sing
but you can't hear the song,
when your left becomes right and your right becomes wrong,
when you feel you've arrived but not sure you belong,
when you're true when you're blue,
when you're weak when you're strong;
wherever you are,
whatever your care,
God is already there."

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a lot of times I've felt He was there with me, for me...and it was easy to praise and give thanks to Him...i hope in times of trial and failures and disappointments...my faith will be as strong and as unwavering...