before the year ends...

its been a while since my last entry...so i will just write whatever comes to my mind...so many things, so many realizations, so many challenges...but the most important things is...im still here. coping and surviving, and trying to become a better person each day.

********

...its my last working day for the year! woohoo! and im glad i'll be having my much needed 5 days off from work!

...was baptized last Dec 10 at Covenant Church! i am now a protestant! but its more than the change in religion. maybe you gotta see for yourself if there is any change in me..

...met a new friend...turned out to be, the ex of my kissing friend's ex. hah! she's nice. very intelligent. and very sensible. but im surprised to find myself not being attracted to her despite so many similarities in our interests. celibacy is now starting to work ....

...sent my kissing friend my last email for the year. just thanked her for the friendship, though we may not be comfortable as we used to, still, im grateful for her coz she's the one who brought me back to church.

...this month, i received an email from anny (though not directly emailed to me but to our yahoogroup) that she's going to New Zealand. whew! i was so caught offguard with the news. i dont know how to react, i dont even know if i should react. my hands were trembling as i ask her if its ok to email her just for that day. and she said ok. then i learned from her that she will start working there in the first week of january and that N will stay in the phils for a while coz her papers are not ok yet. it was hard. so damn hard as i read her replies telling me of whats gonna happen to her and her gf. i know i should be happy for her. and that i should be happy for both of them. but how can i avoid feeling this way...the 'it should have been me' feeling...sigh...till now, when i think of our plans before we broke up, the starting up of business, buying a car, and going to new zealand...everything came true...i bought a house, she bought a car, she'll be living in NZ and im living here in SG except, we dont have each other anymore in our lives... tell me. how can i not feel anything? sourgraping? no...i dont think i am. im just sad that things didnt turn out exactly the way we planned it to be.

...went to Ruth's CD launching last Dec 22. band was so good! then out of nowhere, i saw Cat. It turned out that she's a guest performer for the night. Was able to catch up with her as i leave the bar. And im happy i approached her. I didnt expect her to share with me her testimonies of being a reformed lesbian. I didnt even know she was a lesbian. And right there, along Armenian Street, she prayed for me. I felt that God was working through her. I felt something was filling the gap that has always made me feel empty.

...now i am still trying to resist temptations. haven't gone out on a date and i havent tried to bring someone to bed. i go out...but its all friendly dates. i may not be able to change right away...i may still be a lesbian for the longest time...i may still be attracted to women...but i am gonna try to be stronger and be true to my word...i know feelings are inevitable...but i also know i can control myself on what i do with those feelings.

well....this year, is quite eventful i think. so many things happened. joined a support group, met new friends, i've learned to accept myself more, and started to forgive myself. I've met my kissing friend, had to let go of her too, and met some more people in the community. I've learned a lot...though the hard way, i must say. but the lessons are all worth it.

LIFE still surprises me...for this year that had passed, i laughed so hard..cried a bucket...and loved much...and this coming year, i am looking forward to more laughter, tears, and joy...and at the end of these all, i will still stand with my head up high knowing that i lived my life to its fullest.

FINISH LINES

I ran for 10Km last Sunday. And its so hard to describe how i felt when i reached the finish line. Its a mixed emotions of fulfillment, pride, joy, satisfaction....but in one word, it was such a GREAT feeling.

Before the big day:

Last saturday, i did a 'dress rehearsal' for my race..i put on the running shirt, my shorts, and my climbing shoes (yep, my running shoes gave in, soles were detached and there's no way i could buy a new shoes, so i had to use my climbing 'with lots of spikes' shoes). The only missing part is the race number hehe I practiced how i will run, when will i stop and how long will i run before resting. It was good. Finished 5Km in 30 minutes with 2 stops. Only then i realized, i was more than ready for the race.

During the big day:

I ate breakfast, waited for the bus for 10 minutes, waited for the train for another 10 minutes, then i reached the starting point with a banana on my left hand and a mineral water on my right.

Didnt bother bringing a bag so everything is in my hand and pocket. Oh and yes, I was late!! I was supposed to be there by 7AM but i reached by 7:15AM and because of that, I was not able to do some stretching. There were 6000+ women running for 10Km. All colors and races, sizes and shapes! Everybody was determined to reached the finish line as much as i am. I started conservatively...i even stopped after the 1st Kilometer and did my stretching. Weather is very very nice, not so hot and it didnt rain (not until i reached the finish line). Sad part is along the way, i saw some women who collapsed. And it scared me. I had to stop and be more conscious of my body and legs. So...it took me 1 and a half hour to complete the race. Not so good but not too bad either considering this is my first 10KM run. All in all, it was a good run, had a good time, and felt good afterwards.

Onto the finish line:

I was preparing myself to smile when i reach the finish line because they take a photo of all the runners who reaches the finish line and they publish it. But alas! when i reached the finish line, i couldnt even remember what i did or how i looked, if i raised my hand or if i did a thumbs up sign. I just couldnt care any less. The feeling of joy is so overwhelming, i even think i felt a tear in my eyes. Good thing i had my sunglasses, coz i dont want these people to see the puppy in me.

I know its just a silly 10Km race, not the real thing compared to 42 Km...but its my Race.

And i was able to finish it.

*******************************************

Another Finish Line

My mom and my dad are about to reach their finish lines too...my mom couldnt take it anymore and my dad will never ever change. She finally decided to leave my dad. For good. She wont be coming back home. So where do we go from here? where do i go from here?

Dont ask me..coz I also dont know.

One thing i do know, this is the finish line i would never ever dream of reaching.

Ok...now that you know...


DON'T...
-call/sms/email me about this
-say things to make me feel good
-pity me


Your prayers will be appreciated though.

Warning : BITCH mode!

Leave me alone.

Don't talk to me.
Don't send me email.
Don't sms me.
Don't ask me for lunch or dinner or supper.

And don't ask me why.

ARGGGHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Life is what we make it

SMSes this morning:

friend : im going back to anti-depressants this month
Me : and why is that?
friend : suicidal

What a way to start my morning! Sigh.... I hate it when people resorts to suicide whenever they couldnt handle something, be it people close to them, or heartaches they could never take, or problems they couldnt solve. Call me judgmental but i think it sucks! really sucks!!! Yes, if its still not that obvious, i am very much against suicide. I think it's very selfish of them to just escape everything without having to worry about the people who love them. Without having to think what will happen if they do really die? and worse, what if they dont and their family and friends will have to suffer too, emotionally and physically, not to mention financially?

Sometimes, i think thats their way to get attention of those people close to them, but it really sucks man! If you want attention and love, suicide is definitely not the answer. The best thing you could get would be love out of PITY. And I dont think anybody would want that kind of love. I wont!

Life is too short. And very precious too. There are so many people struggling so much just to live a little longer. So many people on their deathbed willing to give everything for another second to breathe and live. So many people trying to survive no matter what it takes. And that i understand. But these suicidal people...arghhhh! ... I just couldnt understand why they would take their own lives...they say they are not loved enough, they say they've had too much of this life's trials...whoa!! with this kind of attitude, i honestly dont think they are worthy of the love that they want. They want to be loved, but have they loved enough? They want the people close to them to have time for them, but have they done that for them too?

Sometimes, we just think too much and drown ourselves into self pity. Why dont we just look around and open our eyes so we could see that there our others who have bigger problems, who has gone through more heartches than us? there are even some who havent had the chance to experience how it feels to be loved. I mean, whats the worst thing that could happen to you that could make you end your life (that, by the way, is not even yours)?

- if you're brokenhearted, well, you can still be thankful that at least you know how it feels to love and at one point in your life, you felt loved. not too many people experience that.

- if you have a family problem, be thankful that no matter how big the disagreements are, you still have a family that you could call your own. some doesnt even know where they came from.

- if you failed at school or at work, be thankful that at least, you learned something about your weaknesses and that you could start working on it.

- if you feel alone, and you feel that nobody cares, be thankful because there are some people in the ICU who is more alone than you, who cant do anything with their situation. You may be alone, but you still can move, you can breathe and you can do something with your life.

I could go endless...but no matter the circumstances are, i know, there's always somebody out there who is suffering more than we do. And they're not giving up. They're fighting for their lives.

If we have something we've never had before, maybe, we should do something we've never done before. If you want love, start loving. In its truest sense. If you want to be cared for, start caring for others. Dont wait for others, start with yourself. Now.

It has always been said that life is what we make it. Be miserable, and it will be miserable. Live happily and you'll have a happy life. As simple as it is but true. No anti-depressant could help you live a better life...its up to you. Enjoy the little things in life. Run in the morning. Have coffee with friends. Read a book. Write a poem. Play tennis. Play your guitar. Surprise your friends. Treat your mom to lunch. Give flower to a girl you like regardless of her possible reaction. Eat ice cream. Walk under the rain. Life is so good. To be alive is even better. So we should make the most out of it.

And for you my friend, if , by chance, you'll read this entry, dont be offended. dont be mad at me. I am just concerned. Because you are important to me. If you think you're alone and that nobody cares for you, think again.

Why am i not writing?

Several reasons....

- i will only talk about my ex-kissing friend and im so tired of talking about her and my feelings for her. Not that i hate her because i dont, its the feeling that i hate and would not want to feel anymore. Im sure, if you know my blog, and you've been reading it always, you might complain already that i all i talked about was her. just like now. i should stop here. sigh...

- i will only write about my first girlfriend and my moving on process for over 3 years now! pathetic, right? How can somebody not be able to move on after 3 long years??!!

- have nothing significant going on in my life...just the boring old me and my life here in singapore...

- i started another blog, and im starting to write something there about my journey towards christianity...huh! very un-chel tsk tsk... but its me. and my thoughts. nobody else's.

- been wanting to blog at home but im afraid my housemate will see it. She's also using my laptop at home...so im blogging now at work...while im still free.

But i wanna write something here. Just to let my friends know (real life or virtual) that i am still here. Not so okay but surviving. And if you know me, surviving is good enough for me.

****************************************************************
UPDATES:

- marathon is on Dec 3...hoping to finish 10KM in 1.5 hours...pray that i reach the finish line alive! hehehe
- i am about to witness the exchange of vows of my two close friends...they've been together for 8 months only but they've already decided that they wanna grown old with each other...how sweet!!!
- Baptism is on Dec10...havent told my family about it yet... still trying to figure out how im gonna tell them that i am transferring to a protestant church =(

****************************************************************

see? nothing exciting....

will blog more this week though...with or without excitement!

Three years now

November 9 once again...three years since anny and i broke up...its also her 3rd year anniversary today with N.

when will i ever stop remembering what happened that day?

sometimes, i wish i'll have amnesia so i could forget without any effort the events and people of my past....all the hurts and disappointments...but then again, thats the pathetic side of me wishing...

sigh...

i wanna cry..but i couldnt...coz if i do, i can never stop myself.

Lost

... i feel so lost...






and empty...

an email that was never sent

i was cleaning my trash emails and checking the drafts i havent sent...i came across one email... adressed to my ex-kissing friend. i can't remember why i didnt bother sending it to her... but just so it wouldnt go to waste..i am posting it here.


First email from me:
after everything that's been said and done..i still ask myself, if i really loved you or if it was just a friendship thats gone overboard or was it just that we are at the right place and time when we both needed someone....i read this from somewhere...now i know the answer to my question.

chel
****************************************

Love isn't when you can't sleep... it's when you want to keep your eyes open...Love isn't when you keep holding on... it's when you learn to let go...Love isn't when you kill yourself with jealousy... it's when you understand...Love isn't when you fall for someone... it's when you catch that person when she falls...Love isn't when you see her everywhere... it's when you close your eyes and she is still there...Love isn't when you tell her what you feel... it's when you give everything for her sake...


Her reply to my email:

Did you ask a question?
What was written at the bottom... very real.. very idealistic.. welcome to
the real world..
tell me more about what u mean?

hugs
S


The draft email i never sent:

if you will read the email again...yes..i did ask a question..for myself. and after reading those things about love..it is when i realized the answer to my question..

Love isn't when you can't sleep... it's when you want to keep your eyes open...
i stay late at night...not because i can't sleep..but because i want to read your postcards... and listen to your music...
i dont sleep during lunch not because i am not sleepy but because i want to read all our previous email exchanges and your previous blog entries...

Love isn't when you keep holding on... it's when you learn to let go...
when u told me you dont wanna feel anything for anyone...it is when i've realized that it is but right to let go...if that is the only way i can help you, i will give way to what you want, no matter how hard it may seem

Love isn't when you kill yourself with jealousy... it's when you understand...
even if you tell me you're so busy, and then you will sms me that you're with this and that till late late night...i dont feel jealous...coz i know you need those kind of company..people who will make you smile and forget your worries even for a while...people whom you can talk to about anything. im glad that you have found new friends...i know we can never be like that anymore...and as much as i would want to be the company that you need, i can't..and thats why im glad you found them.

Love isn't when you fall for someone... it's when you catch that person when she falls...
i realized that i dont have to fall for you just to love you... i can just be there when things dont go the way you want them to be... i hope that day would not come, but if it really cant be stopped from happening, then im just here, to help you....or just be there to cry with you.

Love isn't when you see her everywhere... it's when you close your eyes and she is still there...
it doesnt really matter now if i see u thrice a week or once a week or once a month... i can always see u smiling and laughing and sneezing in my memory.

Love isn't when you tell her what you feel... it's when you give everything for her sake...
need i say more?



with all these things, i finally understood that being in love with someone and loving someone are two different things.
you see, all the while, i thought i was in love with you.
then i realized...i wasnt...
i am not in love.....i was not in love
..i just loved.

i dont know why, i dont know how...but i did. yes...DID.

Friday once again

its friday once again...one more day down...72 days to go before the new year!!

there is so much to write, i will just type and think or think and type...or maybe easier if i just type and not think at all...so here goes...

***************
been reading a lot of blogs lately..most of them, blogs of filipino women...some, straight...some, not so straight...some, confused. i find it very interesting really. different stories, different reactions to things. i find myself commenting to their entries and i kinda enjoy reading their replies too. huh! talk about being busy. dont get me wrong. i have lots of work here nowadays. but sometimes, you just get tired of it you want to do something new. you want to read something more than the program codes.... hopefully, i'll have my internet access at home by next week...cant wait to read more blogs hehe

****************
i am now talking to my ex-kissing friend (for the nth time!) ... but its quite different now. each time i see her, i try my very best to detach any emotions. quite hard, esp for me who is too sentimental. i try very hard not to ask anything about her or her personal life. dont want to hear more lies, couldnt stand more superficial conversations with her... sigh...sometimes, we run out of things to say... a bit uncomfy for both of us, i could sense her effort to think of things to ask and say too... sometimes, i wonder, if we'll ever get tired of this kind of friendship...it sucks!! i told her the last time i saw her that i dont trust her anymore... as much as i would want to bring back the way we used to be as friends, i couldnt. its just so hard to trust again if the person keeps on hurting you...im not that stupid. im not numb. i have feelings too. and i get tired too.

****************
two nights ago, i was sms-ing a friend... the keyboardist i was talking about in my previous entries, then we were talking about faith and struggles..and i dont know..it just came out..i told her the truth. and she was so cool (not cold) about it. not that i expected her to be shocked or anything but at least, she was so calm when i told her. im meeting her on sunday..for breakfast..and we'll talk more. this is the 'coming out' kinds that i've always looked forward to..coming out to close friends..not just colleagues or acquaintances..i really dont care if they know or not..wouldnt even bother admitting or denying. what matters to me are the people close to my heart, family, close friends, and bestfriends. because they're the people whom i want to know so they would understand. and hopefully, accept.

****************
im quite pissed off with work today. sometimes, i still feel like im being discriminated here. and i hate it! not only because im a girl in a men's department (or so they've thought!) but also because im a filipino. yesterday, they were talking to one Filipino lady staff in their PH office, and they had a hard time pronouncing her name and then they keep on telling me how filipino names are awful! HELLO!!! as if their names are that nice! Grrrrrr.... if i had not controlled my temper, i could have given them the filipino version of jab and upper cut!!!

****************
had two drum lessons already..woohoo!! looking forward to the third this coming sunday! feels good..so goooooood!! the instructor is quite nice. intimidating at first maybe because he's a big big guy hehehe hopefully, i can play the song 'that thing you do' .... can't wait to play it like tom everett scott did!!!

****************
as i've mentioned...i've been reading some blogs...and its nice to come across blogs about gay people having found the love of their lives ...like ellen and her rachelle, joy and her joyjoy, mich and her heidi....sigh....these people...these kind of stories are the ones that makes me look forward to that day when i'll be meeting her... the kind of inspiration that makes me stand after each fall... and when that day comes...there will be rachel and her _______....

Healed and Whole

Healed and Whole

(by Carol Parott)

One day I dug a little hole

and put my hurt inside

I thought that I could just forget

I'd put it there to hide.

But that little hurt began to grow

I covered it every day

I couldn't leave it and go on

It seemed the price I had to pay.

My joy was gone,

my heart was sad

Pain was all I knew.

My wounded soul enveloped me

Loving seemed too hard to do.

One day, while standing by my hole

I cried to God above

And said, "If You are really there --

They say, You're a God of love!"

And just like that -- He was right there

And just put His arms around me

He wiped my tears, His hurting child

There was no safer place to be.

I told Him all about my hurt

I opened up my heart

He listened to each and every word

To every sordid part.

I dug down deep and got my hurt

I brushed the dirt away

And placed it in the Master's hand

And healing came that day.

He took the blackness of my soul

And set my spirit FREE!

Something beautiful began to grow

Where the hurt used to be.

And when I look at what has grown

Out of my tears and pain

I remember every day to give my hurts to Him

And never bury them again.

when the going gets tough...

...the past few weeks have been very busy for me. not to mention stressful. my patience is always being tested...sometimes, i just feel like surrendering. and just stop feeling and breathing and living. family, love, friends,work.... its just too much sometimes.

but i know...these shall pass. i know there's always something to look forward to after all these. so i might as well cheer up and not waste my time sulking.... sigh....but knowing myself, it's easier said than done.

**************************************************************

A friend sent me an email....very nice email.


from the top of the ladder to the end of the rope,
in the fullness of joy,
in the absence of hope,
when you're lost in the crowd,
when you feel all alone,
when you're close to the fire,
when you're far from your home;
wherever you are,
whatever your care,
God is already there.


When the river is dry,
when the sun doesn't shine,
when the shadows are long,
when you're all outta time,
when the people you love you cannot comprehend,
when you want to be real but can only pretend;
wherever you are,
whatever your care,
God is already there.


When the road makes a turn,
when the detour is long,
when the war has begun,
when the border is drawn,
when you're dying to sing
but you can't hear the song,
when your left becomes right and your right becomes wrong,
when you feel you've arrived but not sure you belong,
when you're true when you're blue,
when you're weak when you're strong;
wherever you are,
whatever your care,
God is already there."

**************************************************************

a lot of times I've felt He was there with me, for me...and it was easy to praise and give thanks to Him...i hope in times of trial and failures and disappointments...my faith will be as strong and as unwavering...

Memorable Quotes from Imagine Me & You

Watched this movie last night with my climbing friend. One of the few gay films I've seen that has a happy ending.


Rachel: Everyone promises you happily ever after... but life turns into a different kind of fairy tale.

********

Luce: I met this girl... but she's with someone else
Ella: Does she love you?
Luce: I don't know... no...
Luce: [nods head]
Luce: yes...
Luce: [eyes tear up, slight hesitation, shakes head]
Luce: but it doesn't matter.
Ella: [gently caresses Luce's face] Oh... it's all that matters.

********

Rachel: You make me feel something I absolutely cannot feel.

********

Rachel: I can't...
Luce: I know.

********

Heck: You know I want you to be happy. And more than anything, I wanted to be the cause of happiness in you.

********

Luce: Don't forget me.
Rachel: I won't remember anything else.

********

Heck: So, what about you? Are you married? Ever been married, ever going to get married? Luce: No. No. Maybe now that the law's changed.
Heck: How do you mean?
Luce: Well, I'm gay.
Heck: [chuckles, then realizes that it's not a joke] Mmm... well done.

********

Rachel: What does the lily mean?
Luce: The lily means... [pause]
Luce: The lily means, "I dare you to love me".

********

Luce: I think you know immediately. As soon as your eyes... Then everything that happens from then on just proves that you have been right in that first moment. When you suddenly realize that you were incomplete and now you are whole...

********

Rachel: [reading to coworkers] In her acceptance speech, the distinguished scientist paid tribute to her husband, Dr. Chris Davis. Tomorrow the pair celebrate their 42nd wedding anniversary after eloping together on the day they met. When asked how they could possibly have known that it would all work out. Professor Harrison replied in true scientific fashion: "We don't know, you can never be sure. But you take the plunge anyway. Sure is for people who don't love enough."

********

Heck: Edie, are you gay?
Edie: Am I gay? [laughs]
Edie: I'm ecstatic!

********

Coop: I am a cure for lesbianism.

********

Luce [to H]: I believe that I will be with one person for the rest of my life, but that person will be a woman.

********

Rachel: I'm staying Heck, I couldn't, wouldn't leave you. You're my best friend and what was enough before will be enough again.

********

Luce: Tell me to walk away and I will.
Rachel: Is that what you want?
Luce: I want you.

********

Luce: You should ask her, not me.
Heck: Bless you, but I can't ask Rachel if there is something wrong, that's way to scary.
Luce: Why?
Heck: What if there is?

********


(And these are the best ones...really got me thinkin!! - chel)

Heck: It's not you leaving me that will kill me, its you loving someone else more.

********

H: Heck, I've got a question.
Tessa: Not now.
Heck: What's the question, H?
H: What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?
Heck: [thinks for a few seconds, then replies] I haven't got a bastard clue, I'm afraid.
Tessa: There you are, you see. Now we can let him get married in peace. [She starts to lead H to the church to find a seat for the wedding]
Luce: [Catches H before Tessa can take her away completely] It never happens. If there's a thing that can't be stopped, it's not possible for there to be something else which can't be moved, and vice versa. They can't both exist. You see, it's a trick question is the answer.

********

Heck: [to Rachel when he learned of her feelings for Luce] “Because what you’re feeling right now, that is the immovable force. So I’ve got to move.”

when trust is being tested...

...i feel so torn between doing the right thing and not doing it to avoid hurting anybody...a friend told me her secret...a secret that involves another friend...if i do the right thing, i know my other friend will get hurt.what i'll tell her might even destroy a family she has been trying to build all this time. but if i keep quiet, the person involved will just continue with his forbidden affair...sigh..its really hard. My friend is so important, and yet, i know i am not in the position to tell her of what's been going on.It was never easy to be a heartbreaker. I know it will surely break her heart if she knew. Now i am not sure if its better that she doesnt know. Been praying for this for two nights now.Been praying for my two friends. The wife and the third party are both my friends. If i tell the wife, i will be betraying the trust of my other friend. If i dont tell the wife, she'll just live her life not knowing that her husband is cheating on her.

Sometimes, i wish i didnt know the truth. Because my conscience will always get in the way. I will never find peace if i know something is now right. and not fair. There are so many times in the past i've hurt some people intentionally but most of the times, not. I hurt them because i tell them the truth. I confront them and tell them what i know. Because i want them to know. Because if it were me, i would rather know the truth and get hurt than not know anything at all. But i realized, that was me. It may not work for other people. What is good for me may not be good for some of them. And so i stopped and just kept my mouth shut. I didnt stop caring but i stopped interfering. I thought its easier that way.

And now, this dilemma. i know the right thing to do. but is it the right thing to do at the moment? Right now, i only have my two friends in my mind. i dont want either of them to get hurt just because of one selfish bastard! but i can only do so much. i hope, in time, i'll be able to decide which is more important. to do the right thing or to protect the person who trusted you.

i just hope i dont lose either one of them.

Coping with my Withdrawal Symptoms

For the last few weeks, I've been trying to ignore this feeling. But today, i feel a need to say something about it, lest it will just all explode within me.It's been 28 days now since i last saw my kissing friend and im starting to feel the withdrawal symptoms...

Everywhere i go, there's always something to remind me of her:

mooncakes - this is her favorite, esp mooncake with 2 eggyolks. what makes it worse, its mooncake festival so i could practically see mooncake everywhere.
black cars - she's driving a black car so everytime i see it on the road, cant help but look at the driver and the plate number.
chawanmushi - this is her all-time favorite whenever we eat at sakae sushi.
wheelock place - her favorite shopping mall (it has borders, sakae sushi, fish & co., birkenstock & apple)
dogs - she loves dog so much she dreams of adopting all the strayed dog in the street.
chocolates - just like me, she cant live without chocolates..esp during PMS days
Singapore Idol- its about to end on sunday and her bet is on the Top 2
Peuguot service center - she goes here for her car repairs
mark & spencer - she loves the chocolate and the cookies and cornflakes here

foot reflexology - every week, she goes for foot massage

Moon - she's one of the few people i know who loves looking at the moon

Mushrooms and fish cakes - she loves them in the food she eats

Milo dinosaur - she's the one who taught me about milo dinosaur
friday - this is her favorite day, time off from teaching and she gets to see her cg mates


HOW DO I COPE?

silence.
i dont talk about it.
i dont go out with anybody.
i just live my daily life without any emotions.


control.
i do not communicate with her.
i do not give in, even when she's trying to see me and communicate with me.
i keep myself busy.
i try not to think of her..hmmm..this moment im blogging is an exception.


acceptance.
i convinced myself that this is the right thing to do.
i accepted the fact that i was hurt. by her.
i accepted the fact that some things, good or bad, never lasts.
i accepted the fact that its ok to let go.


support.
i've got my support group friends.
people like me who can understand.
who shares the same sentiments about life and love.
i've got my Big G. who has been there with me. all the way. in every way.


WHAT DO I DO NOW?

i write about it.
i run in the evening. I may not be able to run from the pains but somehow, running makes me feel better.
i listen to inspirational music.
i try to catch up on my readings.
i watch DVDs to keep my mind occupied.


WHAT IM PLANNING TO DO?

i will be starting with my drum lessons next month.
i will do some self studying on japanese language.

i will do an empty chair session.
i will continue to write.
i will still love. and get hurt again. and then move on...and fall again...and so the cycle goes...

Perfect Kisser??!!

Friday morning once again...and what better way to start it...another test result from my new favorite bloggers' site (blogthings.com) ... hmm result is quite flattering hehe according to my EXes (not too many though) and my kissing friend, i am a good kisser. Of course, as much as i would want to believe them, i usually don't, coz i think they're just blinded...but why do this test result makes me feel good now? Read on!

Disclaimer: I am not a vain person. And I dont love myself that much to be always talking about myself all the time. Defensive? No. Just explaining. And having some fun on a friday morning. =)

Your Kissing Technique Is: Perfect

Your kissing technique is amazing - and you know it. You have the confidence to make the first move. And you always seem to know what kissing style is going to work best. Sometimes you're passionate, sometimes you're a tease. And you're always amazing!

Are You a Good Kisser?

Keys to My Heart?

another test..for myself..for those who are getting tired of reading these tests..my apologies...afterall, this blog is really meant for self amusement so please bear with yours truly.

funny...questions on this test are all about animals.Couldnt figure out how they came out with the result. What makes it more weird, most of it are true. See for yourself...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart. In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage pessimistically. You don't think happy marriages exist anymore. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Personality Test

I love taking personality test. I dont know if its the excitement that comes with the result of the test or if its just the curiosity to see and find out who i really am based on some crazy-hard-to-answer questions. Anyways, here goes...

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is medium. You are generally broad minded when it come to new things. But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it. You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Anger Test

You Are 45% Angry

Generally, you are not an angry person. But you're easily frustrated and enraged. You have one heck of a temper. And because of your anger, you tend to feel resentful and even spiteful. You already know how to quell your anger. You just need to do it more often.

How Angry Are You?

How Weird Am I?

You Are 50% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird... But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

Sigh on a thursday morning

Have you ever felt the desire to write and yet and you cant write anything? Or maybe, you've got too much to write, but you don't know how and where to start? Sigh…its very frustrating.

Have you ever felt like your emotions are overflowing and yet, you cant afford to give in to it? Because if you do, you know you will just end up crying and feeling all the hurt you’ve been trying to ignore?

Have you ever tried feeling nothing and not saying anything and not going anywhere?

Sigh.

I wish I don't feel this way now.

But I do.

Kissing Test

You're a Romantic Kisser

For you, kissing is all about feeling the romanceYou love to kiss under the stars or by the seaThe perfect kiss involves the perfect moodIt's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofkisserareyouquiz/">What Kind of Kisser Are You?

Unavoidable Laws of the Universe

...finally...got the time to clean my drawer here at work...and here's what i found..a list of unavoidable laws...Read on!



Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands get coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop
Any tool when dropped will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of Driving
After you change lanes, the one you were in will always start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Bath Tub
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of the Theathe
The people whose seats are furthest from the aisle will arrive last.

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And in my 31 years here on earth, here are some of the laws i've learned too:

Law of White Tops
The more careful you are, the more you are prone to get it stained.

Law of Finding something
The more you look for something you've lost, the more you will not find it. Stop looking and the next day, you will see it was there all along.

Law of Ex-ccidental meetups
The probability of seeing your ex with her new girlfriend is indirectly proportional with your effort to see them.

Law of Third Parties
At first, they think you're better than their partners, then, they will realize they'd rather settle for the good one rather than the better one.

Law of Emails
Just when your boss is discussing something with you in front of your computer, emails popups would keep on coming. And if you're unlucky enough, subject is "Job Interview" or "Job Opening".

Law of Printing
The more confidential the document you are trying to print in your office printer when nobody is around, the more people will come to the printer and see it, just before you are able to get it.

Law of the Flies
Just when you are about to eat the best part that you've saved for last, the fly would come and eat it first.


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Back to blogging

You Are a Wild Woman

Sky diving on the first date? Why not? You're up for almost anything, and that's what guys love about you. You don't back down from challenges, and you love to challenge others. You're so wild it's a little scary, but that's usually a good thing!

How Daring Are You?

It's been a while since my last entry here...sigh...so many things have happened and not happened...im just too lazy (and busy) to list them down here...will see in the next few days...but right now..i just feel tired...

Personality Test to Start the Morning

I'm a Talent!

You're a risk-taker, and you follow your passions. You're determined to take on the world and succeed on your own terms. Whether in the arts, science, engineering, business, or politics, you fearlessly express your own vision of the world. You're not afraid of a fight, and you're not afraid to bet your future on your own abilities. If you find a job boring or stifling, you're already preparing your resume. You believe in doing what you love, and you're not willing to settle for an ordinary life.

Talent: 67%
Lifer: 31%
Mandarin: 46%

Take the Talent, Lifer, or Mandarin quiz.

My very first warning email

Guess what!!! I have just sent my very first warning email this morning! I never thought i'll be doing something like this, but i just cant help it. I just cant shut my mouth and not share it...so here's my novel..errr my warning email:


Sent: Aug 18 2006, 10:00 AM

Sigh...I never thought i'll be one of those people who will be writing a warning email to this group. I just read the email regarding Cyber Jin in Lucky Plaza and i really think establishments like that should be given what they deserve. And now..its my turn to warn you guys, fresh from my last night's fury (Aug 16). Please bear with this long email, i just couldnt help sharing every detail of what happened. Here goes...

Last august 9, i accompanied my malaysian friend to buy a laptop in Sim Lim Square, at Active Foto & Electronics, the indians (i pressume they are indians from the way they look and speak) they are quite nice, very friendly and always has a smiling face to all their customers, and after too many deliberations, we were able to get a good deal, Toshiba Satellite L100, free RAM upgrade to 1Gb, free 1Gb thumbdrive, 1 optical mouse, and accdg to them, free OS and free bag (though im not sure if the bag and OS is really included in the package), all those for SGD1320. Compared to the other stores, i really thought we got a good deal. So we paid using NETS then they gave us the receipt. Due to time constraints, we were not able to check everything before we left the store.I just checked the system properties, RAM and HD...but the CD drive/writer and the USB slots were not checked. They assured us that if there is something wrong with the laptop, we can return it for replacement as long as its within 7 days from date of purchase. Then the guy who assisted us with the sale asked us, 'do u need the box?why dont u just put the laptop in the bag and just leave the box here?' Well...i thought, yeah, why bother with the box? i mean, if there is something wrong with the laptop, we can still ask for a replacement..with or without the box..so thats what we did, we left the box (one more thing we didnt do, we forgot to check the serial number of the laptop with the SN in the box, maybe because we trusted them too easily) and then we left the store. My friend was not able to test the laptop immediately because she's scheduled to go on a trip and when she got back 2 days ago, we tried to use the laptop. Everything was ok except for the CD drive...it could read DVD, but not a CD. We tried all types of CD, data CD, movie, music but nothing happened. I called up my two friends, who knows a lot about laptops and hardware but they also couldnt tell me whats the problem, though obviously, they tell me there's something wrong with the hardware. So they advised us to return the laptop and ask for a replacement. Thats what we did (on the 7th day after we bought the laptop) , we went back to the store and looked for the sales staff who sold the unit to us. He said that there's no problem that they can fix it right away because they have a 'Toshiba' expert, not wanting to start any argument, we just followed the 'expert' guy and he brought us to their other store. After checking and trying lots of CDs, he too couldnt find a way to fix it...then he told us that we should bring it to Toshiba Service Center. I told them "No, thats not what we have agreed, you told us that we can ask for a replacement if there is something wrong with the laptop" then after that, came 3 indians...all speaking in their @#$@#$% language...then the expert guy left, told us to wait, then after waiting for 10 minutes, another indian came, then tried to fix the laptop again. Then he gave up trying. I was getting too impatient so i asked them, i cant wait for too long for them to fix it..i just want it to be replaced. Then they tell me, '"We can fix it for you, but if i open and do something with the laptop, the warranty will be voided" Whoa!!! that really made me mad! I told them that is not what i want. Its not my fault that the laptop is not functioning properly, i paid the correct price, i deserve to get a good quality product.We did not buy a brand new laptop just to bring it to service center after a few days. Then when they saw me starting to lose my temper, they tried to come up with lame excuses. First, they asked me, if i brought the box with me, i said no, because i left it at their store, then the guy said then they wouldnt be able to replace the laptop without the box. I told them the box has nothing to do with the replacement. That they're using a very lame excuse. And i told him that when i left the box, the sales staff told me i could ask for a replacement knowing that the box is with them. And you know what his next excuse was? He tells me that the sales guy is new and that he doesnt know the policy. Well?? Thats not my problem anymore. I started to raise my voice. They're making me feel like they could get away with this. But of course i didnt let them. I told him i dont care if he's new i dont care if he doesnt know anything, he works for the store, he speaks in behalf of the store. So whatever he says, it becomes the responsibility of the store management. Then he tells me, they only replace laptops if there is something wrong with the software, definitely no replacement if its the hardware that has problems. This guy is really getting into my nerves!!! Then he tells me, we leave the laptop with them then they'll be the one to send it to toshiba service center. I told them "NO! i want a new laptop. i want a replacement or you refund the money back to me." Thats when the cashier started talking in their ^%%$#$%#$ language again, (how i wish SG would require the english language in the stores esp in Sim Lim) then, they had a small meeting. Then the guy told me, that they've decided to replace the laptop but they need to check their stock first and that we come back 2 days after..being so tired and mad and all, i told them "ok, but i want it to be written and signed by you and the manager assuring us that you'll replace the unit 2 days after"..and you know what he wrote "I am Rejas. I will call you tomorrow 17/08/06 and inform you about the stock and solution of it." I was not satisfied with what he wrote..it doesnt imply any assurance of a replacement, so i asked for the manager or the store owner. They told me the owner is not there. Then i asked the cashier to sign also so i have another witness. Then the bitchy girl wouldnt want to sign. She was so mad at me telling me that why would she sign? That its her right not to sign. I told her if they are doing nothing wrong, why should she be afraid of signing? Then she started speaking that #$%#%$$ language again!!! Sigh...it is then i decided that it is really useless to talk to these people,so we left the store and we went back to their first store that we went to...i saw a big frame inside the store with a picture of an indian guy together with the SG president..and its the same guy behind the counter...i pressumed he was the store owner...so i explained everything to him. Then he tells me, "ok come back here after 1 hour and we'll replace the laptop". I told them not to open the box not until i get back. I want to see the sealed box. and thats it! After 1 hour, we came back and still no laptop. Then one indian told us that the supplier is on its way, would be coming from Bedok. We've waited long enough (its almost 9PM by that time), so whats the diff if we wait some more. Then after 20 min, the store owner came back. He brought us to the 2nd store again. He gave us the new laptop..i checked the SN and now im sure it matches the SN in the box. We were able to check everything, USB slots, CD drive, RAM, HD, even the writer, i tried to burn one CD. Then i told them "ok, we'll accept the replacement". Then they told us, they will only replace the laptop, but not the battery. They tell us there's nothing wrong with the battery so why should they replace it? I just couldnt understand why would they replace the whole unit and not the battery. Then they tell us if there is something wrong with it, we can no longer ask for a replacement because the 7 days from date of purchase has lapsed already. Sigh! I am so tired at this point..(almost 10PM) got no more energy to argue with them. So we just kept the new laptop and went home. As of this writing, the new laptop is okay and functioning well. By the way, while i was testing the laptop, i asked the guy (the guy that they said is new employee) who sold the first laptop to us , "so how did u get the replacement unit?", he tells us "we got it from another store here" then i said, not from bedok?" he said "no." , then i said "so, is your store a new one?" then he tells me, "no, its been here for 10 years" then my next question was, "and how about u? how long have u been working with them?" then he answered, "two years"... 2 #$#$% years and they tell me he's a new employee??!! Then i told him, i need the box then he tells me, no there's no need for the box. Its really not needed if you ask for a replacement. Im sorry, they dont know what they're saying because they dont have the stock so they dont know what to tell you" WTF??? It was then that i've really realized that the excuses they gave me are all lies!

Whew!!...i still couldnt imagine myself going through all those arguments..its like im swimming with all my might to keep myself from drowning in indian ocean.

How do i end this? well...my friend is quite happy with the laptop now. I just hope we got a good quality this time. and i hope its really a genuine brand new unit. But i still think i should report this to CASE (thanks to Cyber Jin email, i've learned about CASE) to warn people. This is not to say not to buy from that store. I just want to warn people, esp. you guys to be very cautious, be very very cautious if ever you decide to buy something in Sim Lim (most esp Active Foto) . People could be very deceiving. In fairness, the store owner is easier to talk to, actually, he's nicer than his staffs..but then again, being nice is not enough. You should be honest too. And not wait for people to get mad before you do something about their complains.

Again, my apologies for this long email. Hope you tell your friends about this. As what they've always said, better be safe than sorry.

too glad to have survived the indian ocean,

rachel

I'm going home!

i just bought a plane ticket online...wooohooo!! im going home on the 7th of September and will be coming back on the 11th.

suddenly,

i missed my apartment.
i missed my books.
i missed my friends.
i missed my family.

i can't wait to go home...may not be enough to do all the things i want to do, but its better than nothing at all.

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It's Anny's 35th birthday on August 19 (my bestfriend and my ex of 6 years)... how i wish i can call her..how i wish i can talk to her even for a while...i really miss her...i really miss my bestfriend... but circumstances have forbidden us to communicate with each other...i wonder what im willing to sacrifice for a minute or two of talking to her or 10 seconds of embracing her and feeling her close to me...sigh..no matter what i sacrifice..i know im wishing against hope here...i know im just hurting myself because it will not happen.

I miss you ny..i terribly miss you!!! (even if you cant read this and even if you dont know that i still exists)

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My other bestfriend will be reading this tonight (or this afternoon if he gets tired of what he's doing at work)...i just gave him the link to my blog..and i want to welcome him personally (online welcoming that is)....Teng!! finally...my very own blog...hope u enjoy reading this...hope this could make up for those times we were not able to talk thru emails...but hey..im coming home!!! Im so looking forward to having coffee with you and fel and just talk about anything and everything.

miss u bespren!

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I just received an email from my online buddy...she'll be celebrating her bday on Aug 31 with her GF which means she'll be going to USA again (for the second time in a span of a few months)!! whoa!!! talking about long distance relationships! requires double effort on both parties...could be quite expensive too, most of the times.

Hmmm but come to think of it...in this world where true love is so hard to find...who cares about practicality?

So go for it my friend!! enjoy your vacation and yeah....Adv. happy Birthday!! mwah!!

updates..updates..and more updates

Its been only 3 days since my last entry...but why do i feel i've got many things to write here?...maybe because a lot of things have happened? and a lot of people have been coming in and out of my life?...and a lot of decisions that has to be made? sigh...i hope i dont miss a thing here...here goes...

my RUTH

ok..ok..let me start this entry with a good one...let me update you with my Ruth. I went to see the Walking on Water concert at NUS, got a good seat (price is not too expensive if u really like her music, but for my friend who doesnt really like her, she thinks its a waste of money paying SGD24 for a front seat because she tells me, people should go there for music so its ok to seat at the back and pay a lil cheaper...people dont pay for front seat for a music concert...well....its her opinion..) I've noticed most of the crowds are oldies (well..its a gospel concert!!)...some are families...but there's one group there that caught my attention..a group of gay people...hmm maybe 5 or 6 of them, all lesbians..very obvious lesbians...made me wonder who among the band is gay? could it be Ruth? hehehe just a wishful thinking...but i think its the drummer, Audrey...well, who ever it is, it doesnt really matter. im just glad that their band is gay friendly..hehe All in all, the show was great..good music, inspiring lyrics (all originally composed and most of the songs are written by Ruth), great band...but the fabulous time i had did not end there. You see, after the concert, i was too nervous to go and look for her...so i just decided to leave. But on my way out, i walked towards the restroom, and on my way there...i almost bumped into who else but Ruth!!! whoa!!!! i was stunned! i dont know what to do...but i know i had to think and act fast so yeah..i extended my hand and said 'hi Ruth!' ... everything happened too fast...i was able to talk to her about her music and her album and she told me to check her web site, but i told her i already did that and i found out that some part of the site has been hacked. so yeah..after so many "uhmm" and "sure! sure! "and "great! great!" ..she gave me her email address (even before i tried to ask for it!) and asked me to email her so we could talk more. then after that, i walked away because people are starting to gather around her to give her flowers and to tell her how great the concert is...but then, as i walk towards the main entrance of the theatre, i said to myself...'i cant leave this place without asking her to have a picture taken with me' so knowing my stubborn self, i went back to her and waited till the people beside her has subsided...then she noticed me, trying to get a glimpse of her, trying will all my might to capture a shot of her...and u know what?? she walked towards me and asked me, 'im sorry but im afraid i didnt get your name?' well well...so much for my introduction rehearsal...i only managed to say, 'uhhmm im rachel!, nice to meet u ruth!' the she asked how long i've been here in SG and so on and so forth...then a guy came and i asked him if its ok to take our photo...he politely obliged hehe i guess i didnt give him much of a choice, when i asked him in front of Ruth hehehe so there! i got a photo taken with her....sad part is, his hand is a bit shaky and my camera is not shake-proofed! so..it was a terrible shot...but its ok...i thought, this will not be the last time i'll see her..i know i'll have more chance to see her again...plus i've already got loads of videos of her while she sang in her concert (will upload them here maybe next week!) ...so thats it..i got her email addy and i got some photo and videos of her! and i get to shake her hand again!! and hear her call me by my name. 3 days after the concert, i emailed her! i finally got the courage to do it! so yeah..i wrote the typical 'how are you?', 'great show' and a lot more not so witty stuff...told her about me and why im here in SG and how i came to know her and how i feel blessed because i was only looking for something to kill time when i found their band performing in Sentosa, when i was only trying to find some info about her and i found her personal website, when i was only trying to find the lyrics of one of her songs and i found a sound engineer who actually worked with her during her college days, when i was trying to find her CD in the CD shops here and i got a free CD that was given during their concert. Sigh...the blessings are endless...and its too overwhelming. The next day...i received a reply...yup...she's so nice to reply despite her busy schedule...she told me she could hand me the CD during Sunday service in the church, and that she will be performing on Friday, Aug 11 at Indochine and if im free, she'll be glad to introduce me to the filipino couple (singer and guitarist) that she's working with (story, to be told later after this) and she told me she welcomes a filipino friend. I felt good after reading her email. Im sure im not star strucked. its the kind of feeling that you get when things you've hoped happens and there's more. ..how i wish i'll have the same humility that she has....will be working on it... i really think i should!

Friday Ecstasy
Last Aug 11, after i've deleted my blog in Live Journal (LJ) for reasons that are so obvious, i dont want her (my kissing friend) to know whats going on in my life, so i transfered all my entries to blogspot...and im quite happy with it. though im still familiarizing myself on the How-to's of Blogspot...not that techy you know! and so..after all the trouble of transfering everything...i know i needed a break..i know i need something to keep my mind off her...i want to stop thinking about her for a while and free myself from the agony that she's been unintentionally giving me...so without too much deliberation, i decided to go to Indochine to watch Ruth perform. It was a great evening. Nice and not so expensive drinks..nice place though a bit too classy (good for expats)... then she saw me from the crowd...and she smiled...sigh...i could only sigh...so i drank and listen to the music while i watched her play the keyboards...once again...i recognized the passion for the music that i adore in her...during the break, she went to my table and told me that she'll introduce me to her filipino friends...so yeah..we talked a bit...i tried hard not to speak Tagalog so she wont feel out of placed...geesh! she was so nice!! good person i must say! then she told them about me...what i told her in my email, she actually told them in front of me...and it felt good u know! remembering all those things about me. then she asked me if i'll be staying till they finish the last set..as much as i would want to save in the taxi fare (in SG they charge 150% if its 1Am onwards) , i said yes...because i really really love watching and hearing her play the keyboards...then while im talking to the filipina jazz singer, i requested a song...'the way u look tonight' ... and its nice because the singer said "i've got a suggestion here from a friend, then she looked my way, and so did my Ruth" and the she sang the song...sigh..if only i could tell ruth that its for her...but no...i wont spoil whatever good start that we have right now...whoa!!! this looks like a novel now....but to make the long story short...(not shorter)...after they finished with the last set, she went back to my table and chatted for awhile. when she asked me where i stay...i told her i live in the West area, she asked me if its ok with me to share the cab with her because she also stays in the west....WOWW!!!! i dont even have to think about it...i immediately said 'Yes, why not? that would be great!' with a big smile on my face! so...there it goes...we shared the cab...exchanged little info about ourselves then she asked me if i want to join her for lunch on Sunday after the church because she'll be having lunch with a friend on sunday...i told her, no, coz i already have something on for sunday...hehe next time, i should think twice before accepting any appointment for sunday! then, she asked me where she can eat filipino food...and what she should order so i told her..i'll be very glad to accompany her one of these days and give her a guided tour in filipino cuisine..(really looking forward to that!!) .... then, as inevitable as it was...we came to her place...wooohooo!! i now know where she lives!! Which is one good thing. I feel that she trusted me enough to let me know where she lives. not that i would stalk her...of course not!! im not a stalker...i could just get quite resourceful if i want to...to sum it up...it was a great evening, good company, good spending, good music, and i got to know where she lives! so this is how my friday went...too much ecstasy...too much for a friday night!

my Kissing Friend
the root (not pronounced as ruth) of it all...the deletion of my LJ, creation of blogspot, drinking at indochine, and too many days of not blogging....bitched out for a while, as you will notice in my previous entry...but what can i do? she have hurt me so much? she's not telling me what's happening so how can she expect me to understand? what she's feeling, what she's going through. i need to know so i will understand. so i will accept. but its ok now...i guess, we're better off as friends....no more friends with benefits..no more kissing friends...maybe, we should just be good friends. After avoiding her for 8 days...i finally talked to her 2 days ago. Things will not be the same...but i think this is better. better for both of us.

my Sister
last monday, i received an SMS from my sister...she was sent to the hospital because of Congestive Heart Failure...and she was in a critical condition. Her heart became twice its normal size (huh! imagine if i have a big heart like that, maybe i'll have more love to give?) , she couldnt breathe. What made things worse..she just gave birth 5 days ago to a baby boy, and since they've got no one there, her husband has to stay home to take care of their baby. Sigh...i felt so helpless...i wanna be there for my sister. She needs me there. she needs her family. but we're too far from her. She was alone in the hospital, waiting for her nurse friends and housekeepers to visit her in the hospital during their free time. I can only call her from time to time so she wouldnt feel so alone. kept her company (never mind my phone bills) for as long as i can...that was the time when i could not find myself to pray..i just keep on crying...have u ever experienced that...tyring to pray and talk to God but u couldnt? i couldnt remember any prayer. i dont know where or how to start praying. suddenly...praying is something so alien to me. i had to call my friend (my kissing friend) because she's the one who always encourages me to pray and the one who helps me in nurturing my faith...she came to my place immediately...and helped me pray for my sister...u know, after that night, i realized that when things are not in your control...there's nothing that you should do but to pray. not as a last resort but it should be the first thing that you should do.

I've got one more big 'happening' to tell...but i guess...this is too much for an entry...so i might as well blog about it tomorrow.

so...these are the things that have happened for the past few days of my crazy life...hmm come to think of it..its not so crazy after all.

SMS talks

SATURDAY

S: saw the bag of stuff u passed to me this morning. What does that mean? That you are not going to see me again?Can u explain to me what the situation is, how you are feeling and what is happening? Just talk pl? I jus finished work. Been very busy. Please help me will u?

Me: I give up. Im giving up everything we have.

Fine Print: i dont want to have anything to do with you anymore. im so pissed off...i wanna get this over with. i wanna get over you. now.

S: Why?

Me: Im hurting so much. i just couldnt take it anymore.

Fine Print: Should you asked me why? isnt it obvious enough? what would you feel if the person you love would blog about how she misses somebody else? how she misses her 'ex' touch knowing that you just did something with her a day before? Do u really want to know why? i think u already know why...u just dont like to face the truth that you're hurting somebody unintentionally. and because u expect me to be the friend that u want me to be, u think i will understand. u think i will be ok.

S: I am not with E anymore. And pl stop that nonsense about me still feeling for her. It is part of the healing process. U didnt get over your exes in 2 weeks did u?

Me: no reply

Fine Print: You are not with her physically, but your heart, your mind, evrything about you is still all about her..everything you say, everything u do..healing process??is this what u call healing? going out with somebody and asking her (or should i say me) to be your kissing/fucking friend while you get over your ex? is this how you heal wounds? at the expense of somebody's feelings?

S: And u are giving it all up friendship and all because of an entry i wrote as an outlet for my feelings while i am in recovery? Be fair chel.

Me: Im sorry if u think im not being fair.

Fine Print: I know im not fair...but are u? I think what you're doing to me is not fair either. You asked me to be there for you and you asked me not to love you...you sleep with me, you do things with me..then u asked me not to feel for you? are u kidding me? how can u make love to someone you dont love? im not your sex slave! i dont make out just for lust. i make love with you coz i love you. and you know that. you said its just an outlet? if its just an outlet, then why dont you write an entry for private or friends viewing only? why make it for public viewing? because u know that she does not have an LJ account and she can only read it if you make it a Public posting..because you want her to read it..you want her to know how much you miss her..and her kisses and her touch...shit!!

S: No. That is not the point. I understand where u are coming from. I jus wished and asked nothing more from you than your friendship and your presence and not add more distress by jus leaving. What did i do wrong?

Me: U did nothing wrong. I am just giving you time and space to heal.

Fine Print: Why cant you stop being so selfish? why cant u understand that i also have feelings? U dont want me to add 'DISTRESS' to what you already have? and how about the pain that you're giving me in each entry that you write in your blog? in each attempt to communicate with her friends? You wouldnt tell me a thing..u wouldnt talk about your feelings..you say you're not ready...and i respected that but why is it that you can stay up all night with her friends to talk about it? am i not really important to you? when will you respect how i feel about all these? i want you to respect me. i need you to respect me. im pulling away because i respect myself enough not to let you treat me like this.

S: First, no meeting for prayer concert without any reason, then u refuse to reply to sms and refuse to pick up calls then no email replies close down your blog, then no reply about cg then u return all my things, then u tell me u are giving us up. what is next? I am already quite broken and everyday u are adding to my brokenness. Why do i have this feeling u are punishing me? For what did i do chel?

Me: Im punishing myself, not you. i dnt intend to make u feel that way. im sorry if add burden to wat u already hav now. i dnt hav any excuse for that. im jst sorry.

Fine Print: Im punishing myself for loving you. i am sorry i loved you.

S: U are not giving me time and space uncl. I did not ask u to stay away. U did that for your own sake, not mine.

Me: Whats my own sake? i may not be fair to u, but i am not selfish to think of my own sake and intentionally hurt someone. im not like that.

Fine Print: Look who's talking about selfishness... i deserve more credit than this...you know me better than to say this.

S: Sigh...Dun be silly and do that to yourself. Jus be around for me? and lets enjoy the friendship Ok? We got a far greater thing than just something that can be given up jus like that.

Me: Sorry. i can't be d friend i've promised u before.

Fine Print: enjoy the friendship? is this what you call friendship? is this how you treat your friends?

S: Yes Chel, i know u have my best interest at heart and that any hurt u have caused is not intentional...so can we keep this frenship please?

Me: im so tired...im so tired of running and drinking and crying. i hope u will understand. i cant be there for you anymore. thank u for everything.

Fine Print: no, thanks but no thanks. not all friends are for keeps.

S: Sigh...i am tired too..i jus dun know what to do anymore. No energy chel. I jus wished u would value the friendship as much as i do...Anytime u are ready to pick up where we left off, pl let me know can? I really value u and your friendship. I am sorry for everything. Jus promise me that you continue to grow in God k? Duns top attending the church, dun stop reading His word and dun stop talking to Him.

Me: No reply

Fine Print: now u have the guts to question how i value our friendship? stop telling me what to do. stop telling me to pray. im not a hypocrite. i dont go to church because my CG mates will look for me if i dont show up. i dont attend CGs because it makes me feel good. I am not just GAY. my being gay is not the be all and end all of my life. My being gay is just a small part of my life. i talk to HIM, i pray to HIM even without you in my life, i will go to church because i want to be with HIM and not because i want to be with you. Please stop all these superficial christian reminders. I cant just accept and absorb them right now..especially if it comes from you...


SUNDAY

S: How may i answer to those who asked the reason for your absence from cell group and church? What would you like me to say?

Me: I dont know...im sorry for all the inconvenience im causing you.

Fine Print: Now you're worried about what other people would say...why cant you live your life without worrying about others? if you think you've done nothing wrong, why bother? you never worried about how i would feel with everything you've said and done, right? so why worry now?

S: U are not going to church and cg at all?

Me: Im sorry for evrything. im sorry if im hurting u. im sorry if i failed u. im sorry if im not good in keeping promises. im sorry if im not there for u like i've always told u

Fine Print: --- no fine print..i really meant it this time.

S: Jus take some time to sort yourself out, sort your thoughts, your feelings out. U know i will be around if u need. Jus dun stop going to church k?
Me: no reply
Fine Print: Are u talking to yourself?