QUESTIONS AND HOPES

July 12, 2006
11.24 AM


why is it so hard to love again?
why is it that no matter how much you love a person, no matter how much time and caring you give to her, she still cant love you back?
why is it that no matter how hard you try, you cant possibly compete with the one she loves?
why is it that she chooses a complicated life with her than a simple comfortable life with me?
why is it that even if the person she loves is hurting her...she would still choose her?
why is it that no matter how many times she tells me she loves me (in mails and sms, not in person), i still cant feel that she means it the way i would want her to mean it?
why is it so hard for her to see that im serious with her and that i love her?
why is it that the more she's hurting her, the more she's drawn to her?
why is it that she just wants to play with me and not be serious with me?
why is it that i feel so incomplete when i cant see her?
why is it that for her, im just one person she can have dinner with on those days she's free, when she dont have a lunch or dinner with her, when she dont have to accompany her bestfriend, when she dont have to meet up with her ex-coll,and when she dont have see some of her friends?
why is it that she always tells me she wants me to bring to places i've never been but she cant tell me she just want to be with me, no matter where..?
why is it that when she told me she's trying to get out of her 'special r/s' , i felt nothing?
was it because i know its really not settled yet?
was it because i know deep in her heart, she still loves her?
was it because i know her too well?ordo i really love her?
is it only because i needed someone and she's there for me?

but why am i hurting so much?
am i jealous?
or is it just my ego?

...they always say...never fall with a BI...but i guess, her being BI is not whats hurting me...its what she does and what she does not ... thats hurting me......

she does not want to be asked...even i've a lot of questions in my mind...
she would rather live one day at a time...than face and resolve issues...
she would pretend that everything is ok even if its not...
she wants to keep everything to herself...but share everything to strangers...
she thinks she's protecting me by not telling me, but she's not...
she thinks its better to accept things as they are rather than dwell on it too much
is this she really is..or is this what i think she is?

....i dont know...im confused...confused and hurt...and i dont know for how long i can stand this...

coz even though i am hurting...i know i still love her
..even though i want to stop seeing her..i know i still want to be with her
..even though i dont want to hear what she's going to say..i know i still miss her voice
..even though i dont want to talk to her..i know i still miss her thoughts
..even though i want to forget her..i know i couldnt stop thinking about her

...i hope i'll have the courage to do the right thing
...i hope i'll be able to start pulling away from her with minimum effect on her
...i hope i'll get used to not seeing her
...i hope i'll forget these feelings i have for her
...i hope i could stop thinking about her

and someday...

...i hope she'll realize that im more than just a substitute in bedmore than just a kissing friendmore than just a person who can accompany her if she's not busy with other peoplei hope nobody gets hurt....i dont wanna hurt her..its the last thing on my mind...and i dont wanna get hurt either...might as well...start...now...before its too late..i am willing to give up the friendship if it would mean saving both of us from getting hurt...

am i hurting?
yes...

do i love her?
yes...

should i give her up?
yes...

more questions....no more answers

...just sighs

....endless sighs...