chel's world

I am so tired.

2009-03-17T21:33:00.002+08:00

...very very tired.

I lift up everything to YOU...

Run Rachel Run!!!

2009-02-17T21:27:00.003+08:00

I jogged yesterday...woke up at 7am, ran for 20 minutes before i took a shower and headed for office. It was good. Felt so good. and liberating.

Then i realized, i only run, when im bothered. Hmm...is my subconcious mind telling me something? Sometimes i run, when i want to run from something. whether its a problem at home, or matters of the heart. I remembered the last time i run, was when i was still seeing my kissing friend. tsk tsk..if im running from something...i wonder what could that be? tsk tsk...need to think more...but my legs and whole body is aching...cannot think now...im just so tired.

************************

There's so many things i want to blog about...im gonna list it down here so i wont forget:

- what do i want in a relationship
- maybe its better to just be single
- wishlist for myself
- friends who are so dear to me
- things/people that i miss
- places i want to visit
- people who made a difference in my life

**************************

If its still not obvious, this is a blog of an exhibitionist. a blog of someone who just talks about her life, her journey, and her world.

So much drama...on a valentine's day

2009-02-15T20:08:00.005+08:00

...after an 'it seemed-like-eternity-valentines-day', i was able to survive through the day.

yeah..you might say im too cheesy..or too hopeful or should i say hopeless romantic. but thats really who i am. and im not ashamed of that.

i am the kind of person who likes giving surprises, who thinks birthdays are too special, who likes picnic on a valentines day, regardless of how corny it sounds, who always have background music in every special moment in my life...etc etc...

actually, its not really that bad, as it thought it would be. after watching the movie 'New Girl In Town', i was actually feeling ok already. It was a nice feel good movie and i really missed watching movie alone. Had my beef chili fries at Carl's Jr. which made my afternoon even better. Loved it!

Its just when i was on my way to meet the other girls in church, that it hit me. She wasnt there for my birthday, coz she have a class (though she showed up last 1.5 hours before midnight), and yesterday, she said she is tired. That's two in a row! i tried to look ok when i reached church, but i just couldnt hide it. i think i was so grumpy that i couldnt even join the other girls for dinner after the outreach. I know if one more person ask me if im ok, im gonna breakdown any minute so i just had to leave.

am i so petty? yeah probably. i know its petty. but those petty lil things in life, makes big special moments. at least for me, it does.

but oh well...it still ended a bit ok. at almost 11pm last night, she showed up in front of my door, with a rainbow lollipop in her hand and a cheesecake and a carrot cake and an apple pie and a tokyo banana creamcake..and a big big hug.

i dont know why she showed up.

i hope its love.

and not guilt.

so much drama...for one day.

**************
DISCLAIMER:
i hope no one is reading this. i just had to write it. else im gonna explode. and im too lazy to create another blog. sigh. so yeah... if you accidentally see my blog, sorry for my endless drama. life is too short...maybe some drama could make it longer...

Birthdays

2009-02-09T21:28:00.002+08:00

Just turned 34 last Tuesday...

each birthday that i have, becomes less and less special each year. i wonder why? for those people who know me, they know that birthdays are too special for me. not only mine, but the birthdays of those close to my heart. i consider you my close friend if i know your birthday.

but this year, for the first time in my 34 years on earth, i went to work and worked and worked till i had to leave, and then went home, eat homecooked dinner and watched TV. had a chocolate cake and then slept.

i am not complaining. got my favorite's lana's chocolate cake and i had dinner with jaime, with 2 other friends the night before. and last sunday, cyn and ju gave me a massage voucher.

i am just surprised at myself, what on earth is happening to me? am i becoming too practical that i dont romanticized the 'bday' idea anymore? If there's one thing i have always been proud of, its the way i make bdays special.

sigh. never ending questions.

am i on the brink of midlife crisis?

**************

Come to think of it, i only have one more year to go...all my plans stop at 35. will see how it goes.

**************

Belated happy Birthday to me!

Missing me...

2009-02-09T21:16:00.002+08:00

It felt like years since i last blogged. I dont know...i just couldnt find words to write, no thoughts to reflect on. nothing. i felt like a stone. no feelings. no hurt.no joy.i just want to write again. no matter how messy.no matter how scattered my words are.i just want to write. i just want to do something i love doing.

honestly, its very tempting. to just be a rock and not be affected by anything or anyone. i have never been so steady with my emotions. it has always been too extreme, too hurt, too sad, too happy, too in love, too excited. now is more steady. so-so. no hurt, no pain, and no cloud 9 too. sometimes it gets boring, but i must admit it is safe. i wonder if its just goes with the age? or just being jaded?

anyway...no matter what it is...i just couldnt care. i will just write coz i miss doing this.

ok, i think i just repeated myself.

who cares.

ok, now i will sleep with a smile on my face.

coz i finally wrote something on my blog. and i finally admitted i miss myself.

sad and blue

2008-08-04T18:18:00.004+08:00

i dont know how im feeling...but two words i can think of right now, i know i am sad and blue...

too many things, too many reasons... somehow, i feel some hurt inside me.

people who played a big part in my life esp here in SG...not a day would pass that i would not hear from them or talk or meet up with them...and now, I cant even start a decent conversation, cant even say a word when i see them physically or online.

have we outgrown each other?
have we forgotten the friendship?
have we allowed the hurt before to come between us?
have we become too detached to not even remember how close we were?

i feel that i lost 3 people in my life last year...

now i think that's more than enough to make someone feel sad and blue.

sigh.

cant even blog properly.

thoughts are scattered.

i dont even know how to end this.

sigh.

Endings and Beginnings...

2007-09-06T16:06:00.000+08:00

it's been so long...

too many endings and new beginnings.

hoping for brighter tomorrow. with less people hurt. with less tears.

more to come.

Addicted to Love

2007-02-12T17:17:00.000+08:00

...read this today from a friend's blog:

The intensity of your withdrawal symptoms does not indicate the strength of your love but the strength of your addiction.

...it was hard for me before to let let go of my feelings for my kissing friend...could it be that i am just addicted to love? or just addicted to her? hmmm...

******************

anyways...its been so long since my last entry...and as always, many things have happened...

- im going home for a 10 day vacation to PHILS!!
- just got back from cambodia from my 3 day trip...woohoo...felt like lara croft!!
- i just turned 32 last week (a year wiser i hope)
- the new friend i met last december (whom i said in my last entry, that im not attracted to) is now my girlfriend =)
- i am happy now... i've got that smile in my heart thats been missing for so long
- you wanna know how happy i am? check my profile, you can see there the link to the blog i created for her.

before the year ends...

2006-12-28T16:22:00.000+08:00

its been a while since my last entry...so i will just write whatever comes to my mind...so many things, so many realizations, so many challenges...but the most important things is...im still here. coping and surviving, and trying to become a better person each day.

********

...its my last working day for the year! woohoo! and im glad i'll be having my much needed 5 days off from work!

...was baptized last Dec 10 at Covenant Church! i am now a protestant! but its more than the change in religion. maybe you gotta see for yourself if there is any change in me..

...met a new friend...turned out to be, the ex of my kissing friend's ex. hah! she's nice. very intelligent. and very sensible. but im surprised to find myself not being attracted to her despite so many similarities in our interests. celibacy is now starting to work ....

...sent my kissing friend my last email for the year. just thanked her for the friendship, though we may not be comfortable as we used to, still, im grateful for her coz she's the one who brought me back to church.

...this month, i received an email from anny (though not directly emailed to me but to our yahoogroup) that she's going to New Zealand. whew! i was so caught offguard with the news. i dont know how to react, i dont even know if i should react. my hands were trembling as i ask her if its ok to email her just for that day. and she said ok. then i learned from her that she will start working there in the first week of january and that N will stay in the phils for a while coz her papers are not ok yet. it was hard. so damn hard as i read her replies telling me of whats gonna happen to her and her gf. i know i should be happy for her. and that i should be happy for both of them. but how can i avoid feeling this way...the 'it should have been me' feeling...sigh...till now, when i think of our plans before we broke up, the starting up of business, buying a car, and going to new zealand...everything came true...i bought a house, she bought a car, she'll be living in NZ and im living here in SG except, we dont have each other anymore in our lives... tell me. how can i not feel anything? sourgraping? no...i dont think i am. im just sad that things didnt turn out exactly the way we planned it to be.

...went to Ruth's CD launching last Dec 22. band was so good! then out of nowhere, i saw Cat. It turned out that she's a guest performer for the night. Was able to catch up with her as i leave the bar. And im happy i approached her. I didnt expect her to share with me her testimonies of being a reformed lesbian. I didnt even know she was a lesbian. And right there, along Armenian Street, she prayed for me. I felt that God was working through her. I felt something was filling the gap that has always made me feel empty.

...now i am still trying to resist temptations. haven't gone out on a date and i havent tried to bring someone to bed. i go out...but its all friendly dates. i may not be able to change right away...i may still be a lesbian for the longest time...i may still be attracted to women...but i am gonna try to be stronger and be true to my word...i know feelings are inevitable...but i also know i can control myself on what i do with those feelings.

well....this year, is quite eventful i think. so many things happened. joined a support group, met new friends, i've learned to accept myself more, and started to forgive myself. I've met my kissing friend, had to let go of her too, and met some more people in the community. I've learned a lot...though the hard way, i must say. but the lessons are all worth it.

LIFE still surprises me...for this year that had passed, i laughed so hard..cried a bucket...and loved much...and this coming year, i am looking forward to more laughter, tears, and joy...and at the end of these all, i will still stand with my head up high knowing that i lived my life to its fullest.

FINISH LINES

2006-12-05T12:20:00.000+08:00

I ran for 10Km last Sunday. And its so hard to describe how i felt when i reached the finish line. Its a mixed emotions of fulfillment, pride, joy, satisfaction....but in one word, it was such a GREAT feeling.

Before the big day:

Last saturday, i did a 'dress rehearsal' for my race..i put on the running shirt, my shorts, and my climbing shoes (yep, my running shoes gave in, soles were detached and there's no way i could buy a new shoes, so i had to use my climbing 'with lots of spikes' shoes). The only missing part is the race number hehe I practiced how i will run, when will i stop and how long will i run before resting. It was good. Finished 5Km in 30 minutes with 2 stops. Only then i realized, i was more than ready for the race.

During the big day:

I ate breakfast, waited for the bus for 10 minutes, waited for the train for another 10 minutes, then i reached the starting point with a banana on my left hand and a mineral water on my right.

Didnt bother bringing a bag so everything is in my hand and pocket. Oh and yes, I was late!! I was supposed to be there by 7AM but i reached by 7:15AM and because of that, I was not able to do some stretching. There were 6000+ women running for 10Km. All colors and races, sizes and shapes! Everybody was determined to reached the finish line as much as i am. I started conservatively...i even stopped after the 1st Kilometer and did my stretching. Weather is very very nice, not so hot and it didnt rain (not until i reached the finish line). Sad part is along the way, i saw some women who collapsed. And it scared me. I had to stop and be more conscious of my body and legs. So...it took me 1 and a half hour to complete the race. Not so good but not too bad either considering this is my first 10KM run. All in all, it was a good run, had a good time, and felt good afterwards.

Onto the finish line:

I was preparing myself to smile when i reach the finish line because they take a photo of all the runners who reaches the finish line and they publish it. But alas! when i reached the finish line, i couldnt even remember what i did or how i looked, if i raised my hand or if i did a thumbs up sign. I just couldnt care any less. The feeling of joy is so overwhelming, i even think i felt a tear in my eyes. Good thing i had my sunglasses, coz i dont want these people to see the puppy in me.

I know its just a silly 10Km race, not the real thing compared to 42 Km...but its my Race.

And i was able to finish it.

*******************************************

Another Finish Line

My mom and my dad are about to reach their finish lines too...my mom couldnt take it anymore and my dad will never ever change. She finally decided to leave my dad. For good. She wont be coming back home. So where do we go from here? where do i go from here?

Dont ask me..coz I also dont know.

One thing i do know, this is the finish line i would never ever dream of reaching.

Ok...now that you know...

DON'T...
-call/sms/email me about this
-say things to make me feel good
-pity me

Your prayers will be appreciated though.

Warning : BITCH mode!

2006-12-01T12:19:00.000+08:00

Leave me alone.

Don't talk to me.
Don't send me email.
Don't sms me.
Don't ask me for lunch or dinner or supper.

And don't ask me why.

ARGGGHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Life is what we make it

2006-11-29T09:20:00.000+08:00

SMSes this morning:

friend : im going back to anti-depressants this month
Me : and why is that?
friend : suicidal

What a way to start my morning! Sigh.... I hate it when people resorts to suicide whenever they couldnt handle something, be it people close to them, or heartaches they could never take, or problems they couldnt solve. Call me judgmental but i think it sucks! really sucks!!! Yes, if its still not that obvious, i am very much against suicide. I think it's very selfish of them to just escape everything without having to worry about the people who love them. Without having to think what will happen if they do really die? and worse, what if they dont and their family and friends will have to suffer too, emotionally and physically, not to mention financially?

Sometimes, i think thats their way to get attention of those people close to them, but it really sucks man! If you want attention and love, suicide is definitely not the answer. The best thing you could get would be love out of PITY. And I dont think anybody would want that kind of love. I wont!

Life is too short. And very precious too. There are so many people struggling so much just to live a little longer. So many people on their deathbed willing to give everything for another second to breathe and live. So many people trying to survive no matter what it takes. And that i understand. But these suicidal people...arghhhh! ... I just couldnt understand why they would take their own lives...they say they are not loved enough, they say they've had too much of this life's trials...whoa!! with this kind of attitude, i honestly dont think they are worthy of the love that they want. They want to be loved, but have they loved enough? They want the people close to them to have time for them, but have they done that for them too?

Sometimes, we just think too much and drown ourselves into self pity. Why dont we just look around and open our eyes so we could see that there our others who have bigger problems, who has gone through more heartches than us? there are even some who havent had the chance to experience how it feels to be loved. I mean, whats the worst thing that could happen to you that could make you end your life (that, by the way, is not even yours)?

- if you're brokenhearted, well, you can still be thankful that at least you know how it feels to love and at one point in your life, you felt loved. not too many people experience that.

- if you have a family problem, be thankful that no matter how big the disagreements are, you still have a family that you could call your own. some doesnt even know where they came from.

- if you failed at school or at work, be thankful that at least, you learned something about your weaknesses and that you could start working on it.

- if you feel alone, and you feel that nobody cares, be thankful because there are some people in the ICU who is more alone than you, who cant do anything with their situation. You may be alone, but you still can move, you can breathe and you can do something with your life.

I could go endless...but no matter the circumstances are, i know, there's always somebody out there who is suffering more than we do. And they're not giving up. They're fighting for their lives.

If we have something we've never had before, maybe, we should do something we've never done before. If you want love, start loving. In its truest sense. If you want to be cared for, start caring for others. Dont wait for others, start with yourself. Now.

It has always been said that life is what we make it. Be miserable, and it will be miserable. Live happily and you'll have a happy life. As simple as it is but true. No anti-depressant could help you live a better life...its up to you. Enjoy the little things in life. Run in the morning. Have coffee with friends. Read a book. Write a poem. Play tennis. Play your guitar. Surprise your friends. Treat your mom to lunch. Give flower to a girl you like regardless of her possible reaction. Eat ice cream. Walk under the rain. Life is so good. To be alive is even better. So we should make the most out of it.

And for you my friend, if , by chance, you'll read this entry, dont be offended. dont be mad at me. I am just concerned. Because you are important to me. If you think you're alone and that nobody cares for you, think again.

Why am i not writing?

2006-11-27T16:06:00.000+08:00

Several reasons....

- i will only talk about my ex-kissing friend and im so tired of talking about her and my feelings for her. Not that i hate her because i dont, its the feeling that i hate and would not want to feel anymore. Im sure, if you know my blog, and you've been reading it always, you might complain already that i all i talked about was her. just like now. i should stop here. sigh...

- i will only write about my first girlfriend and my moving on process for over 3 years now! pathetic, right? How can somebody not be able to move on after 3 long years??!!

- have nothing significant going on in my life...just the boring old me and my life here in singapore...

- i started another blog, and im starting to write something there about my journey towards christianity...huh! very un-chel tsk tsk... but its me. and my thoughts. nobody else's.

- been wanting to blog at home but im afraid my housemate will see it. She's also using my laptop at home...so im blogging now at work...while im still free.

But i wanna write something here. Just to let my friends know (real life or virtual) that i am still here. Not so okay but surviving. And if you know me, surviving is good enough for me.

****************************************************************
UPDATES:

- marathon is on Dec 3...hoping to finish 10KM in 1.5 hours...pray that i reach the finish line alive! hehehe
- i am about to witness the exchange of vows of my two close friends...they've been together for 8 months only but they've already decided that they wanna grown old with each other...how sweet!!!
- Baptism is on Dec10...havent told my family about it yet... still trying to figure out how im gonna tell them that i am transferring to a protestant church =(

****************************************************************

see? nothing exciting....

will blog more this week though...with or without excitement!

Three years now

2006-11-09T16:48:00.000+08:00

November 9 once again...three years since anny and i broke up...its also her 3rd year anniversary today with N.

when will i ever stop remembering what happened that day?

sometimes, i wish i'll have amnesia so i could forget without any effort the events and people of my past....all the hurts and disappointments...but then again, thats the pathetic side of me wishing...

sigh...

i wanna cry..but i couldnt...coz if i do, i can never stop myself.

Lost

2006-11-09T16:46:00.000+08:00

... i feel so lost...

and empty...

an email that was never sent

2006-10-20T17:54:00.000+08:00

i was cleaning my trash emails and checking the drafts i havent sent...i came across one email... adressed to my ex-kissing friend. i can't remember why i didnt bother sending it to her... but just so it wouldnt go to waste..i am posting it here.

First email from me:
after everything that's been said and done..i still ask myself, if i really loved you or if it was just a friendship thats gone overboard or was it just that we are at the right place and time when we both needed someone....i read this from somewhere...now i know the answer to my question.

chel
****************************************

Love isn't when you can't sleep... it's when you want to keep your eyes open...Love isn't when you keep holding on... it's when you learn to let go...Love isn't when you kill yourself with jealousy... it's when you understand...Love isn't when you fall for someone... it's when you catch that person when she falls...Love isn't when you see her everywhere... it's when you close your eyes and she is still there...Love isn't when you tell her what you feel... it's when you give everything for her sake...

Her reply to my email:

Did you ask a question?
What was written at the bottom... very real.. very idealistic.. welcome to
the real world..
tell me more about what u mean?

hugs
S

The draft email i never sent:

if you will read the email again...yes..i did ask a question..for myself. and after reading those things about love..it is when i realized the answer to my question..

Love isn't when you can't sleep... it's when you want to keep your eyes open...
i stay late at night...not because i can't sleep..but because i want to read your postcards... and listen to your music...
i dont sleep during lunch not because i am not sleepy but because i want to read all our previous email exchanges and your previous blog entries...

Love isn't when you keep holding on... it's when you learn to let go...
when u told me you dont wanna feel anything for anyone...it is when i've realized that it is but right to let go...if that is the only way i can help you, i will give way to what you want, no matter how hard it may seem

Love isn't when you kill yourself with jealousy... it's when you understand...
even if you tell me you're so busy, and then you will sms me that you're with this and that till late late night...i dont feel jealous...coz i know you need those kind of company..people who will make you smile and forget your worries even for a while...people whom you can talk to about anything. im glad that you have found new friends...i know we can never be like that anymore...and as much as i would want to be the company that you need, i can't..and thats why im glad you found them.

Love isn't when you fall for someone... it's when you catch that person when she falls...
i realized that i dont have to fall for you just to love you... i can just be there when things dont go the way you want them to be... i hope that day would not come, but if it really cant be stopped from happening, then im just here, to help you....or just be there to cry with you.

Love isn't when you see her everywhere... it's when you close your eyes and she is still there...
it doesnt really matter now if i see u thrice a week or once a week or once a month... i can always see u smiling and laughing and sneezing in my memory.

Love isn't when you tell her what you feel... it's when you give everything for her sake...
need i say more?

with all these things, i finally understood that being in love with someone and loving someone are two different things.
you see, all the while, i thought i was in love with you.
then i realized...i wasnt...
i am not in love.....i was not in love
..i just loved.

i dont know why, i dont know how...but i did. yes...DID.

Friday once again

2006-10-20T10:06:00.000+08:00

its friday once again...one more day down...72 days to go before the new year!!

there is so much to write, i will just type and think or think and type...or maybe easier if i just type and not think at all...so here goes...

***************
been reading a lot of blogs lately..most of them, blogs of filipino women...some, straight...some, not so straight...some, confused. i find it very interesting really. different stories, different reactions to things. i find myself commenting to their entries and i kinda enjoy reading their replies too. huh! talk about being busy. dont get me wrong. i have lots of work here nowadays. but sometimes, you just get tired of it you want to do something new. you want to read something more than the program codes.... hopefully, i'll have my internet access at home by next week...cant wait to read more blogs hehe

****************
i am now talking to my ex-kissing friend (for the nth time!) ... but its quite different now. each time i see her, i try my very best to detach any emotions. quite hard, esp for me who is too sentimental. i try very hard not to ask anything about her or her personal life. dont want to hear more lies, couldnt stand more superficial conversations with her... sigh...sometimes, we run out of things to say... a bit uncomfy for both of us, i could sense her effort to think of things to ask and say too... sometimes, i wonder, if we'll ever get tired of this kind of friendship...it sucks!! i told her the last time i saw her that i dont trust her anymore... as much as i would want to bring back the way we used to be as friends, i couldnt. its just so hard to trust again if the person keeps on hurting you...im not that stupid. im not numb. i have feelings too. and i get tired too.

****************
two nights ago, i was sms-ing a friend... the keyboardist i was talking about in my previous entries, then we were talking about faith and struggles..and i dont know..it just came out..i told her the truth. and she was so cool (not cold) about it. not that i expected her to be shocked or anything but at least, she was so calm when i told her. im meeting her on sunday..for breakfast..and we'll talk more. this is the 'coming out' kinds that i've always looked forward to..coming out to close friends..not just colleagues or acquaintances..i really dont care if they know or not..wouldnt even bother admitting or denying. what matters to me are the people close to my heart, family, close friends, and bestfriends. because they're the people whom i want to know so they would understand. and hopefully, accept.

****************
im quite pissed off with work today. sometimes, i still feel like im being discriminated here. and i hate it! not only because im a girl in a men's department (or so they've thought!) but also because im a filipino. yesterday, they were talking to one Filipino lady staff in their PH office, and they had a hard time pronouncing her name and then they keep on telling me how filipino names are awful! HELLO!!! as if their names are that nice! Grrrrrr.... if i had not controlled my temper, i could have given them the filipino version of jab and upper cut!!!

****************
had two drum lessons already..woohoo!! looking forward to the third this coming sunday! feels good..so goooooood!! the instructor is quite nice. intimidating at first maybe because he's a big big guy hehehe hopefully, i can play the song 'that thing you do' .... can't wait to play it like tom everett scott did!!!

****************
as i've mentioned...i've been reading some blogs...and its nice to come across blogs about gay people having found the love of their lives ...like ellen and her rachelle, joy and her joyjoy, mich and her heidi....sigh....these people...these kind of stories are the ones that makes me look forward to that day when i'll be meeting her... the kind of inspiration that makes me stand after each fall... and when that day comes...there will be rachel and her _______....

Healed and Whole

2006-10-13T11:14:00.000+08:00

Healed and Whole

(by Carol Parott)

One day I dug a little hole

and put my hurt inside

I thought that I could just forget

I'd put it there to hide.

But that little hurt began to grow

I covered it every day

I couldn't leave it and go on

It seemed the price I had to pay.

My joy was gone,

my heart was sad

Pain was all I knew.

My wounded soul enveloped me

Loving seemed too hard to do.

One day, while standing by my hole

I cried to God above

And said, "If You are really there --

They say, You're a God of love!"

And just like that -- He was right there

And just put His arms around me

He wiped my tears, His hurting child

There was no safer place to be.

I told Him all about my hurt

I opened up my heart

He listened to each and every word

To every sordid part.

I dug down deep and got my hurt

I brushed the dirt away

And placed it in the Master's hand

And healing came that day.

He took the blackness of my soul

And set my spirit FREE!

Something beautiful began to grow

Where the hurt used to be.

And when I look at what has grown

Out of my tears and pain

I remember every day to give my hurts to Him

And never bury them again.

when the going gets tough...

2006-10-12T14:36:00.000+08:00

...the past few weeks have been very busy for me. not to mention stressful. my patience is always being tested...sometimes, i just feel like surrendering. and just stop feeling and breathing and living. family, love, friends,work.... its just too much sometimes.

but i know...these shall pass. i know there's always something to look forward to after all these. so i might as well cheer up and not waste my time sulking.... sigh....but knowing myself, it's easier said than done.

**************************************************************

A friend sent me an email....very nice email.

from the top of the ladder to the end of the rope,
in the fullness of joy,
in the absence of hope,
when you're lost in the crowd,
when you feel all alone,
when you're close to the fire,
when you're far from your home;
wherever you are,
whatever your care,
God is already there.

When the river is dry,
when the sun doesn't shine,
when the shadows are long,
when you're all outta time,
when the people you love you cannot comprehend,
when you want to be real but can only pretend;
wherever you are,
whatever your care,
God is already there.

When the road makes a turn,
when the detour is long,
when the war has begun,
when the border is drawn,
when you're dying to sing
but you can't hear the song,
when your left becomes right and your right becomes wrong,
when you feel you've arrived but not sure you belong,
when you're true when you're blue,
when you're weak when you're strong;
wherever you are,
whatever your care,
God is already there."

**************************************************************

a lot of times I've felt He was there with me, for me...and it was easy to praise and give thanks to Him...i hope in times of trial and failures and disappointments...my faith will be as strong and as unwavering...

Memorable Quotes from Imagine Me & You

2006-09-26T17:13:00.000+08:00

Watched this movie last night with my climbing friend. One of the few gay films I've seen that has a happy ending.

Rachel: Everyone promises you happily ever after... but life turns into a different kind of fairy tale.

********

Luce: I met this girl... but she's with someone else
Ella: Does she love you?
Luce: I don't know... no...
Luce: [nods head]
Luce: yes...
Luce: [eyes tear up, slight hesitation, shakes head]
Luce: but it doesn't matter.
Ella: [gently caresses Luce's face] Oh... it's all that matters.

********

Rachel: You make me feel something I absolutely cannot feel.

********

Rachel: I can't...
Luce: I know.

********

Heck: You know I want you to be happy. And more than anything, I wanted to be the cause of happiness in you.

********

Luce: Don't forget me.
Rachel: I won't remember anything else.

********

Heck: So, what about you? Are you married? Ever been married, ever going to get married? Luce: No. No. Maybe now that the law's changed.
Heck: How do you mean?
Luce: Well, I'm gay.
Heck: [chuckles, then realizes that it's not a joke] Mmm... well done.

********

Rachel: What does the lily mean?
Luce: The lily means... [pause]
Luce: The lily means, "I dare you to love me".

********

Luce: I think you know immediately. As soon as your eyes... Then everything that happens from then on just proves that you have been right in that first moment. When you suddenly realize that you were incomplete and now you are whole...

********

Rachel: [reading to coworkers] In her acceptance speech, the distinguished scientist paid tribute to her husband, Dr. Chris Davis. Tomorrow the pair celebrate their 42nd wedding anniversary after eloping together on the day they met. When asked how they could possibly have known that it would all work out. Professor Harrison replied in true scientific fashion: "We don't know, you can never be sure. But you take the plunge anyway. Sure is for people who don't love enough."

********

Heck: Edie, are you gay?
Edie: Am I gay? [laughs]
Edie: I'm ecstatic!

********

Coop: I am a cure for lesbianism.

********

Luce [to H]: I believe that I will be with one person for the rest of my life, but that person will be a woman.

********

Rachel: I'm staying Heck, I couldn't, wouldn't leave you. You're my best friend and what was enough before will be enough again.

********

Luce: Tell me to walk away and I will.
Rachel: Is that what you want?
Luce: I want you.

********

Luce: You should ask her, not me.
Heck: Bless you, but I can't ask Rachel if there is something wrong, that's way to scary.
Luce: Why?
Heck: What if there is?

********

(And these are the best ones...really got me thinkin!! - chel)

Heck: It's not you leaving me that will kill me, its you loving someone else more.

********

H: Heck, I've got a question.
Tessa: Not now.
Heck: What's the question, H?
H: What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?
Heck: [thinks for a few seconds, then replies] I haven't got a bastard clue, I'm afraid.
Tessa: There you are, you see. Now we can let him get married in peace. [She starts to lead H to the church to find a seat for the wedding]
Luce: [Catches H before Tessa can take her away completely] It never happens. If there's a thing that can't be stopped, it's not possible for there to be something else which can't be moved, and vice versa. They can't both exist. You see, it's a trick question is the answer.

********

Heck: [to Rachel when he learned of her feelings for Luce] “Because what you’re feeling right now, that is the immovable force. So I’ve got to move.”

when trust is being tested...

2006-09-25T17:26:00.000+08:00

...i feel so torn between doing the right thing and not doing it to avoid hurting anybody...a friend told me her secret...a secret that involves another friend...if i do the right thing, i know my other friend will get hurt.what i'll tell her might even destroy a family she has been trying to build all this time. but if i keep quiet, the person involved will just continue with his forbidden affair...sigh..its really hard. My friend is so important, and yet, i know i am not in the position to tell her of what's been going on.It was never easy to be a heartbreaker. I know it will surely break her heart if she knew. Now i am not sure if its better that she doesnt know. Been praying for this for two nights now.Been praying for my two friends. The wife and the third party are both my friends. If i tell the wife, i will be betraying the trust of my other friend. If i dont tell the wife, she'll just live her life not knowing that her husband is cheating on her.

Sometimes, i wish i didnt know the truth. Because my conscience will always get in the way. I will never find peace if i know something is now right. and not fair. There are so many times in the past i've hurt some people intentionally but most of the times, not. I hurt them because i tell them the truth. I confront them and tell them what i know. Because i want them to know. Because if it were me, i would rather know the truth and get hurt than not know anything at all. But i realized, that was me. It may not work for other people. What is good for me may not be good for some of them. And so i stopped and just kept my mouth shut. I didnt stop caring but i stopped interfering. I thought its easier that way.

And now, this dilemma. i know the right thing to do. but is it the right thing to do at the moment? Right now, i only have my two friends in my mind. i dont want either of them to get hurt just because of one selfish bastard! but i can only do so much. i hope, in time, i'll be able to decide which is more important. to do the right thing or to protect the person who trusted you.

i just hope i dont lose either one of them.

Coping with my Withdrawal Symptoms

2006-09-22T15:10:00.000+08:00

For the last few weeks, I've been trying to ignore this feeling. But today, i feel a need to say something about it, lest it will just all explode within me.It's been 28 days now since i last saw my kissing friend and im starting to feel the withdrawal symptoms...

Everywhere i go, there's always something to remind me of her:

mooncakes - this is her favorite, esp mooncake with 2 eggyolks. what makes it worse, its mooncake festival so i could practically see mooncake everywhere.
black cars - she's driving a black car so everytime i see it on the road, cant help but look at the driver and the plate number.
chawanmushi - this is her all-time favorite whenever we eat at sakae sushi.
wheelock place - her favorite shopping mall (it has borders, sakae sushi, fish & co., birkenstock & apple)
dogs - she loves dog so much she dreams of adopting all the strayed dog in the street.
chocolates - just like me, she cant live without chocolates..esp during PMS days
Singapore Idol- its about to end on sunday and her bet is on the Top 2
Peuguot service center - she goes here for her car repairs
mark & spencer - she loves the chocolate and the cookies and cornflakes here

foot reflexology - every week, she goes for foot massage

Moon - she's one of the few people i know who loves looking at the moon

Mushrooms and fish cakes - she loves them in the food she eats

Milo dinosaur - she's the one who taught me about milo dinosaur
friday - this is her favorite day, time off from teaching and she gets to see her cg mates

HOW DO I COPE?

silence.
i dont talk about it.
i dont go out with anybody.
i just live my daily life without any emotions.

control.
i do not communicate with her.
i do not give in, even when she's trying to see me and communicate with me.
i keep myself busy.
i try not to think of her..hmmm..this moment im blogging is an exception.

acceptance.
i convinced myself that this is the right thing to do.
i accepted the fact that i was hurt. by her.
i accepted the fact that some things, good or bad, never lasts.
i accepted the fact that its ok to let go.

support.
i've got my support group friends.
people like me who can understand.
who shares the same sentiments about life and love.
i've got my Big G. who has been there with me. all the way. in every way.

WHAT DO I DO NOW?

i write about it.
i run in the evening. I may not be able to run from the pains but somehow, running makes me feel better.
i listen to inspirational music.
i try to catch up on my readings.
i watch DVDs to keep my mind occupied.

WHAT IM PLANNING TO DO?

i will be starting with my drum lessons next month.
i will do some self studying on japanese language.

i will do an empty chair session.
i will continue to write.
i will still love. and get hurt again. and then move on...and fall again...and so the cycle goes...

Perfect Kisser??!!

2006-09-22T10:23:00.000+08:00

Friday morning once again...and what better way to start it...another test result from my new favorite bloggers' site (blogthings.com) ... hmm result is quite flattering hehe according to my EXes (not too many though) and my kissing friend, i am a good kisser. Of course, as much as i would want to believe them, i usually don't, coz i think they're just blinded...but why do this test result makes me feel good now? Read on!

Disclaimer: I am not a vain person. And I dont love myself that much to be always talking about myself all the time. Defensive? No. Just explaining. And having some fun on a friday morning. =)

Your Kissing Technique Is: Perfect

Your kissing technique is amazing - and you know it.
You have the confidence to make the first move.
And you always seem to know what kissing style is going to work best.
Sometimes you're passionate, sometimes you're a tease. And you're always amazing!

Are You a Good Kisser?

Keys to My Heart?

2006-09-21T14:53:00.000+08:00

another test..for myself..for those who are getting tired of reading these tests..my apologies...afterall, this blog is really meant for self amusement so please bear with yours truly.

funny...questions on this test are all about animals.Couldnt figure out how they came out with the result. What makes it more weird, most of it are true. See for yourself...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage pessimistically. You don't think happy marriages exist anymore.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Personality Test

2006-09-21T14:12:00.000+08:00

I love taking personality test. I dont know if its the excitement that comes with the result of the test or if its just the curiosity to see and find out who i really am based on some crazy-hard-to-answer questions. Anyways, here goes...

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:

You have medium extroversion.
You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.
Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.
But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time."

Conscientiousness:

You have high conscientiousness.
Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life.
Most things in your life are organized and planned well.
But you borderline on being a total perfectionist.

Agreeableness:

You have medium agreeableness.
You're generally a friendly and trusting person.
But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.
You get along well with others, as long as they play fair.

Neuroticism:

You have medium neuroticism.
You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.
Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.
Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is medium.
You are generally broad minded when it come to new things.
But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it.
You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Anger Test

2006-09-21T13:07:00.000+08:00

You Are 45% Angry

Generally, you are not an angry person.
But you're easily frustrated and enraged. You have one heck of a temper.
And because of your anger, you tend to feel resentful and even spiteful.
You already know how to quell your anger. You just need to do it more often.

How Angry Are You?

How Weird Am I?

2006-09-21T13:04:00.000+08:00

You Are 50% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird...
But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

Sigh on a thursday morning

2006-09-21T10:45:00.000+08:00

Have you ever felt the desire to write and yet and you cant write anything? Or maybe, you've got too much to write, but you don't know how and where to start? Sigh…its very frustrating.

Have you ever felt like your emotions are overflowing and yet, you cant afford to give in to it? Because if you do, you know you will just end up crying and feeling all the hurt you’ve been trying to ignore?

Have you ever tried feeling nothing and not saying anything and not going anywhere?

Sigh.

I wish I don't feel this way now.

But I do.

Kissing Test

2006-09-19T16:05:00.000+08:00

You're a Romantic Kisser

For you, kissing is all about feeling the romanceYou love to kiss under the stars or by the seaThe perfect kiss involves the perfect moodIt's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofkisserareyouquiz/">What Kind of Kisser Are You?

Unavoidable Laws of the Universe

2006-09-19T15:12:00.000+08:00

...finally...got the time to clean my drawer here at work...and here's what i found..a list of unavoidable laws...Read on!

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands get coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop
Any tool when dropped will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of Driving
After you change lanes, the one you were in will always start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Bath Tub
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of the Theathe
The people whose seats are furthest from the aisle will arrive last.

******************************************************************************************************
And in my 31 years here on earth, here are some of the laws i've learned too:

Law of White Tops
The more careful you are, the more you are prone to get it stained.

Law of Finding something
The more you look for something you've lost, the more you will not find it. Stop looking and the next day, you will see it was there all along.

Law of Ex-ccidental meetups
The probability of seeing your ex with her new girlfriend is indirectly proportional with your effort to see them.

Law of Third Parties
At first, they think you're better than their partners, then, they will realize they'd rather settle for the good one rather than the better one.

Law of Emails
Just when your boss is discussing something with you in front of your computer, emails popups would keep on coming. And if you're unlucky enough, subject is "Job Interview" or "Job Opening".

Law of Printing
The more confidential the document you are trying to print in your office printer when nobody is around, the more people will come to the printer and see it, just before you are able to get it.

Law of the Flies
Just when you are about to eat the best part that you've saved for last, the fly would come and eat it first.

*****************************************************************************************************

Back to blogging

2006-09-15T13:19:00.000+08:00

You Are a Wild Woman

Sky diving on the first date? Why not?
You're up for almost anything, and that's what guys love about you.
You don't back down from challenges, and you love to challenge others.
You're so wild it's a little scary, but that's usually a good thing!

How Daring Are You?

It's been a while since my last entry here...sigh...so many things have happened and not happened...im just too lazy (and busy) to list them down here...will see in the next few days...but right now..i just feel tired...

Personality Test to Start the Morning

2006-08-22T09:35:00.000+08:00

I'm a Talent!

You're a risk-taker, and you follow your passions. You're determined to take on the world and succeed on your own terms. Whether in the arts, science, engineering, business, or politics, you fearlessly express your own vision of the world. You're not afraid of a fight, and you're not afraid to bet your future on your own abilities. If you find a job boring or stifling, you're already preparing your resume. You believe in doing what you love, and you're not willing to settle for an ordinary life.

Talent: 67%
Lifer: 31%
Mandarin: 46%

Take the Talent, Lifer, or Mandarin quiz.

My very first warning email

2006-08-18T10:51:00.000+08:00

Guess what!!! I have just sent my very first warning email this morning! I never thought i'll be doing something like this, but i just cant help it. I just cant shut my mouth and not share it...so here's my novel..errr my warning email:

Sent: Aug 18 2006, 10:00 AM

Sigh...I never thought i'll be one of those people who will be writing a warning email to this group. I just read the email regarding Cyber Jin in Lucky Plaza and i really think establishments like that should be given what they deserve. And now..its my turn to warn you guys, fresh from my last night's fury (Aug 16). Please bear with this long email, i just couldnt help sharing every detail of what happened. Here goes...

Last august 9, i accompanied my malaysian friend to buy a laptop in Sim Lim Square, at Active Foto & Electronics, the indians (i pressume they are indians from the way they look and speak) they are quite nice, very friendly and always has a smiling face to all their customers, and after too many deliberations, we were able to get a good deal, Toshiba Satellite L100, free RAM upgrade to 1Gb, free 1Gb thumbdrive, 1 optical mouse, and accdg to them, free OS and free bag (though im not sure if the bag and OS is really included in the package), all those for SGD1320. Compared to the other stores, i really thought we got a good deal. So we paid using NETS then they gave us the receipt. Due to time constraints, we were not able to check everything before we left the store.I just checked the system properties, RAM and HD...but the CD drive/writer and the USB slots were not checked. They assured us that if there is something wrong with the laptop, we can return it for replacement as long as its within 7 days from date of purchase. Then the guy who assisted us with the sale asked us, 'do u need the box?why dont u just put the laptop in the bag and just leave the box here?' Well...i thought, yeah, why bother with the box? i mean, if there is something wrong with the laptop, we can still ask for a replacement..with or without the box..so thats what we did, we left the box (one more thing we didnt do, we forgot to check the serial number of the laptop with the SN in the box, maybe because we trusted them too easily) and then we left the store. My friend was not able to test the laptop immediately because she's scheduled to go on a trip and when she got back 2 days ago, we tried to use the laptop. Everything was ok except for the CD drive...it could read DVD, but not a CD. We tried all types of CD, data CD, movie, music but nothing happened. I called up my two friends, who knows a lot about laptops and hardware but they also couldnt tell me whats the problem, though obviously, they tell me there's something wrong with the hardware. So they advised us to return the laptop and ask for a replacement. Thats what we did (on the 7th day after we bought the laptop) , we went back to the store and looked for the sales staff who sold the unit to us. He said that there's no problem that they can fix it right away because they have a 'Toshiba' expert, not wanting to start any argument, we just followed the 'expert' guy and he brought us to their other store. After checking and trying lots of CDs, he too couldnt find a way to fix it...then he told us that we should bring it to Toshiba Service Center. I told them "No, thats not what we have agreed, you told us that we can ask for a replacement if there is something wrong with the laptop" then after that, came 3 indians...all speaking in their @#$@#$% language...then the expert guy left, told us to wait, then after waiting for 10 minutes, another indian came, then tried to fix the laptop again. Then he gave up trying. I was getting too impatient so i asked them, i cant wait for too long for them to fix it..i just want it to be replaced. Then they tell me, '"We can fix it for you, but if i open and do something with the laptop, the warranty will be voided" Whoa!!! that really made me mad! I told them that is not what i want. Its not my fault that the laptop is not functioning properly, i paid the correct price, i deserve to get a good quality product.We did not buy a brand new laptop just to bring it to service center after a few days. Then when they saw me starting to lose my temper, they tried to come up with lame excuses. First, they asked me, if i brought the box with me, i said no, because i left it at their store, then the guy said then they wouldnt be able to replace the laptop without the box. I told them the box has nothing to do with the replacement. That they're using a very lame excuse. And i told him that when i left the box, the sales staff told me i could ask for a replacement knowing that the box is with them. And you know what his next excuse was? He tells me that the sales guy is new and that he doesnt know the policy. Well?? Thats not my problem anymore. I started to raise my voice. They're making me feel like they could get away with this. But of course i didnt let them. I told him i dont care if he's new i dont care if he doesnt know anything, he works for the store, he speaks in behalf of the store. So whatever he says, it becomes the responsibility of the store management. Then he tells me, they only replace laptops if there is something wrong with the software, definitely no replacement if its the hardware that has problems. This guy is really getting into my nerves!!! Then he tells me, we leave the laptop with them then they'll be the one to send it to toshiba service center. I told them "NO! i want a new laptop. i want a replacement or you refund the money back to me." Thats when the cashier started talking in their ^%%$#$%#$ language again, (how i wish SG would require the english language in the stores esp in Sim Lim) then, they had a small meeting. Then the guy told me, that they've decided to replace the laptop but they need to check their stock first and that we come back 2 days after..being so tired and mad and all, i told them "ok, but i want it to be written and signed by you and the manager assuring us that you'll replace the unit 2 days after"..and you know what he wrote "I am Rejas. I will call you tomorrow 17/08/06 and inform you about the stock and solution of it." I was not satisfied with what he wrote..it doesnt imply any assurance of a replacement, so i asked for the manager or the store owner. They told me the owner is not there. Then i asked the cashier to sign also so i have another witness. Then the bitchy girl wouldnt want to sign. She was so mad at me telling me that why would she sign? That its her right not to sign. I told her if they are doing nothing wrong, why should she be afraid of signing? Then she started speaking that #$%#%$$ language again!!! Sigh...it is then i decided that it is really useless to talk to these people,so we left the store and we went back to their first store that we went to...i saw a big frame inside the store with a picture of an indian guy together with the SG president..and its the same guy behind the counter...i pressumed he was the store owner...so i explained everything to him. Then he tells me, "ok come back here after 1 hour and we'll replace the laptop". I told them not to open the box not until i get back. I want to see the sealed box. and thats it! After 1 hour, we came back and still no laptop. Then one indian told us that the supplier is on its way, would be coming from Bedok. We've waited long enough (its almost 9PM by that time), so whats the diff if we wait some more. Then after 20 min, the store owner came back. He brought us to the 2nd store again. He gave us the new laptop..i checked the SN and now im sure it matches the SN in the box. We were able to check everything, USB slots, CD drive, RAM, HD, even the writer, i tried to burn one CD. Then i told them "ok, we'll accept the replacement". Then they told us, they will only replace the laptop, but not the battery. They tell us there's nothing wrong with the battery so why should they replace it? I just couldnt understand why would they replace the whole unit and not the battery. Then they tell us if there is something wrong with it, we can no longer ask for a replacement because the 7 days from date of purchase has lapsed already. Sigh! I am so tired at this point..(almost 10PM) got no more energy to argue with them. So we just kept the new laptop and went home. As of this writing, the new laptop is okay and functioning well. By the way, while i was testing the laptop, i asked the guy (the guy that they said is new employee) who sold the first laptop to us , "so how did u get the replacement unit?", he tells us "we got it from another store here" then i said, not from bedok?" he said "no." , then i said "so, is your store a new one?" then he tells me, "no, its been here for 10 years" then my next question was, "and how about u? how long have u been working with them?" then he answered, "two years"... 2 #$#$% years and they tell me he's a new employee??!! Then i told him, i need the box then he tells me, no there's no need for the box. Its really not needed if you ask for a replacement. Im sorry, they dont know what they're saying because they dont have the stock so they dont know what to tell you" WTF??? It was then that i've really realized that the excuses they gave me are all lies!

Whew!!...i still couldnt imagine myself going through all those arguments..its like im swimming with all my might to keep myself from drowning in indian ocean.

How do i end this? well...my friend is quite happy with the laptop now. I just hope we got a good quality this time. and i hope its really a genuine brand new unit. But i still think i should report this to CASE (thanks to Cyber Jin email, i've learned about CASE) to warn people. This is not to say not to buy from that store. I just want to warn people, esp. you guys to be very cautious, be very very cautious if ever you decide to buy something in Sim Lim (most esp Active Foto) . People could be very deceiving. In fairness, the store owner is easier to talk to, actually, he's nicer than his staffs..but then again, being nice is not enough. You should be honest too. And not wait for people to get mad before you do something about their complains.

Again, my apologies for this long email. Hope you tell your friends about this. As what they've always said, better be safe than sorry.

too glad to have survived the indian ocean,

rachel

I'm going home!

2006-08-17T14:18:00.000+08:00

i just bought a plane ticket online...wooohooo!! im going home on the 7th of September and will be coming back on the 11th.

suddenly,

i missed my apartment.
i missed my books.
i missed my friends.
i missed my family.

i can't wait to go home...may not be enough to do all the things i want to do, but its better than nothing at all.

***********************************************************************************************************************************

It's Anny's 35th birthday on August 19 (my bestfriend and my ex of 6 years)... how i wish i can call her..how i wish i can talk to her even for a while...i really miss her...i really miss my bestfriend... but circumstances have forbidden us to communicate with each other...i wonder what im willing to sacrifice for a minute or two of talking to her or 10 seconds of embracing her and feeling her close to me...sigh..no matter what i sacrifice..i know im wishing against hope here...i know im just hurting myself because it will not happen.

I miss you ny..i terribly miss you!!! (even if you cant read this and even if you dont know that i still exists)

********************************************************************************************************************************

My other bestfriend will be reading this tonight (or this afternoon if he gets tired of what he's doing at work)...i just gave him the link to my blog..and i want to welcome him personally (online welcoming that is)....Teng!! finally...my very own blog...hope u enjoy reading this...hope this could make up for those times we were not able to talk thru emails...but hey..im coming home!!! Im so looking forward to having coffee with you and fel and just talk about anything and everything.

miss u bespren!

*******************************************************************************************************************************

I just received an email from my online buddy...she'll be celebrating her bday on Aug 31 with her GF which means she'll be going to USA again (for the second time in a span of a few months)!! whoa!!! talking about long distance relationships! requires double effort on both parties...could be quite expensive too, most of the times.

Hmmm but come to think of it...in this world where true love is so hard to find...who cares about practicality?

So go for it my friend!! enjoy your vacation and yeah....Adv. happy Birthday!! mwah!!

updates..updates..and more updates

2006-08-17T11:33:00.000+08:00

Its been only 3 days since my last entry...but why do i feel i've got many things to write here?...maybe because a lot of things have happened? and a lot of people have been coming in and out of my life?...and a lot of decisions that has to be made? sigh...i hope i dont miss a thing here...here goes...

my RUTH

ok..ok..let me start this entry with a good one...let me update you with my Ruth. I went to see the Walking on Water concert at NUS, got a good seat (price is not too expensive if u really like her music, but for my friend who doesnt really like her, she thinks its a waste of money paying SGD24 for a front seat because she tells me, people should go there for music so its ok to seat at the back and pay a lil cheaper...people dont pay for front seat for a music concert...well....its her opinion..) I've noticed most of the crowds are oldies (well..its a gospel concert!!)...some are families...but there's one group there that caught my attention..a group of gay people...hmm maybe 5 or 6 of them, all lesbians..very obvious lesbians...made me wonder who among the band is gay? could it be Ruth? hehehe just a wishful thinking...but i think its the drummer, Audrey...well, who ever it is, it doesnt really matter. im just glad that their band is gay friendly..hehe All in all, the show was great..good music, inspiring lyrics (all originally composed and most of the songs are written by Ruth), great band...but the fabulous time i had did not end there. You see, after the concert, i was too nervous to go and look for her...so i just decided to leave. But on my way out, i walked towards the restroom, and on my way there...i almost bumped into who else but Ruth!!! whoa!!!! i was stunned! i dont know what to do...but i know i had to think and act fast so yeah..i extended my hand and said 'hi Ruth!' ... everything happened too fast...i was able to talk to her about her music and her album and she told me to check her web site, but i told her i already did that and i found out that some part of the site has been hacked. so yeah..after so many "uhmm" and "sure! sure! "and "great! great!" ..she gave me her email address (even before i tried to ask for it!) and asked me to email her so we could talk more. then after that, i walked away because people are starting to gather around her to give her flowers and to tell her how great the concert is...but then, as i walk towards the main entrance of the theatre, i said to myself...'i cant leave this place without asking her to have a picture taken with me' so knowing my stubborn self, i went back to her and waited till the people beside her has subsided...then she noticed me, trying to get a glimpse of her, trying will all my might to capture a shot of her...and u know what?? she walked towards me and asked me, 'im sorry but im afraid i didnt get your name?' well well...so much for my introduction rehearsal...i only managed to say, 'uhhmm im rachel!, nice to meet u ruth!' the she asked how long i've been here in SG and so on and so forth...then a guy came and i asked him if its ok to take our photo...he politely obliged hehe i guess i didnt give him much of a choice, when i asked him in front of Ruth hehehe so there! i got a photo taken with her....sad part is, his hand is a bit shaky and my camera is not shake-proofed! so..it was a terrible shot...but its ok...i thought, this will not be the last time i'll see her..i know i'll have more chance to see her again...plus i've already got loads of videos of her while she sang in her concert (will upload them here maybe next week!) ...so thats it..i got her email addy and i got some photo and videos of her! and i get to shake her hand again!! and hear her call me by my name. 3 days after the concert, i emailed her! i finally got the courage to do it! so yeah..i wrote the typical 'how are you?', 'great show' and a lot more not so witty stuff...told her about me and why im here in SG and how i came to know her and how i feel blessed because i was only looking for something to kill time when i found their band performing in Sentosa, when i was only trying to find some info about her and i found her personal website, when i was only trying to find the lyrics of one of her songs and i found a sound engineer who actually worked with her during her college days, when i was trying to find her CD in the CD shops here and i got a free CD that was given during their concert. Sigh...the blessings are endless...and its too overwhelming. The next day...i received a reply...yup...she's so nice to reply despite her busy schedule...she told me she could hand me the CD during Sunday service in the church, and that she will be performing on Friday, Aug 11 at Indochine and if im free, she'll be glad to introduce me to the filipino couple (singer and guitarist) that she's working with (story, to be told later after this) and she told me she welcomes a filipino friend. I felt good after reading her email. Im sure im not star strucked. its the kind of feeling that you get when things you've hoped happens and there's more. ..how i wish i'll have the same humility that she has....will be working on it... i really think i should!

Friday Ecstasy
Last Aug 11, after i've deleted my blog in Live Journal (LJ) for reasons that are so obvious, i dont want her (my kissing friend) to know whats going on in my life, so i transfered all my entries to blogspot...and im quite happy with it. though im still familiarizing myself on the How-to's of Blogspot...not that techy you know! and so..after all the trouble of transfering everything...i know i needed a break..i know i need something to keep my mind off her...i want to stop thinking about her for a while and free myself from the agony that she's been unintentionally giving me...so without too much deliberation, i decided to go to Indochine to watch Ruth perform. It was a great evening. Nice and not so expensive drinks..nice place though a bit too classy (good for expats)... then she saw me from the crowd...and she smiled...sigh...i could only sigh...so i drank and listen to the music while i watched her play the keyboards...once again...i recognized the passion for the music that i adore in her...during the break, she went to my table and told me that she'll introduce me to her filipino friends...so yeah..we talked a bit...i tried hard not to speak Tagalog so she wont feel out of placed...geesh! she was so nice!! good person i must say! then she told them about me...what i told her in my email, she actually told them in front of me...and it felt good u know! remembering all those things about me. then she asked me if i'll be staying till they finish the last set..as much as i would want to save in the taxi fare (in SG they charge 150% if its 1Am onwards) , i said yes...because i really really love watching and hearing her play the keyboards...then while im talking to the filipina jazz singer, i requested a song...'the way u look tonight' ... and its nice because the singer said "i've got a suggestion here from a friend, then she looked my way, and so did my Ruth" and the she sang the song...sigh..if only i could tell ruth that its for her...but no...i wont spoil whatever good start that we have right now...whoa!!! this looks like a novel now....but to make the long story short...(not shorter)...after they finished with the last set, she went back to my table and chatted for awhile. when she asked me where i stay...i told her i live in the West area, she asked me if its ok with me to share the cab with her because she also stays in the west....WOWW!!!! i dont even have to think about it...i immediately said 'Yes, why not? that would be great!' with a big smile on my face! so...there it goes...we shared the cab...exchanged little info about ourselves then she asked me if i want to join her for lunch on Sunday after the church because she'll be having lunch with a friend on sunday...i told her, no, coz i already have something on for sunday...hehe next time, i should think twice before accepting any appointment for sunday! then, she asked me where she can eat filipino food...and what she should order so i told her..i'll be very glad to accompany her one of these days and give her a guided tour in filipino cuisine..(really looking forward to that!!) .... then, as inevitable as it was...we came to her place...wooohooo!! i now know where she lives!! Which is one good thing. I feel that she trusted me enough to let me know where she lives. not that i would stalk her...of course not!! im not a stalker...i could just get quite resourceful if i want to...to sum it up...it was a great evening, good company, good spending, good music, and i got to know where she lives! so this is how my friday went...too much ecstasy...too much for a friday night!

my Kissing Friend
the root (not pronounced as ruth) of it all...the deletion of my LJ, creation of blogspot, drinking at indochine, and too many days of not blogging....bitched out for a while, as you will notice in my previous entry...but what can i do? she have hurt me so much? she's not telling me what's happening so how can she expect me to understand? what she's feeling, what she's going through. i need to know so i will understand. so i will accept. but its ok now...i guess, we're better off as friends....no more friends with benefits..no more kissing friends...maybe, we should just be good friends. After avoiding her for 8 days...i finally talked to her 2 days ago. Things will not be the same...but i think this is better. better for both of us.

my Sister
last monday, i received an SMS from my sister...she was sent to the hospital because of Congestive Heart Failure...and she was in a critical condition. Her heart became twice its normal size (huh! imagine if i have a big heart like that, maybe i'll have more love to give?) , she couldnt breathe. What made things worse..she just gave birth 5 days ago to a baby boy, and since they've got no one there, her husband has to stay home to take care of their baby. Sigh...i felt so helpless...i wanna be there for my sister. She needs me there. she needs her family. but we're too far from her. She was alone in the hospital, waiting for her nurse friends and housekeepers to visit her in the hospital during their free time. I can only call her from time to time so she wouldnt feel so alone. kept her company (never mind my phone bills) for as long as i can...that was the time when i could not find myself to pray..i just keep on crying...have u ever experienced that...tyring to pray and talk to God but u couldnt? i couldnt remember any prayer. i dont know where or how to start praying. suddenly...praying is something so alien to me. i had to call my friend (my kissing friend) because she's the one who always encourages me to pray and the one who helps me in nurturing my faith...she came to my place immediately...and helped me pray for my sister...u know, after that night, i realized that when things are not in your control...there's nothing that you should do but to pray. not as a last resort but it should be the first thing that you should do.

I've got one more big 'happening' to tell...but i guess...this is too much for an entry...so i might as well blog about it tomorrow.

so...these are the things that have happened for the past few days of my crazy life...hmm come to think of it..its not so crazy after all.

SMS talks

2006-08-14T12:00:00.000+08:00

SATURDAY

S: saw the bag of stuff u passed to me this morning. What does that mean? That you are not going to see me again?Can u explain to me what the situation is, how you are feeling and what is happening? Just talk pl? I jus finished work. Been very busy. Please help me will u?

Me: I give up. Im giving up everything we have.

Fine Print: i dont want to have anything to do with you anymore. im so pissed off...i wanna get this over with. i wanna get over you. now.

S: Why?

Me: Im hurting so much. i just couldnt take it anymore.

Fine Print: Should you asked me why? isnt it obvious enough? what would you feel if the person you love would blog about how she misses somebody else? how she misses her 'ex' touch knowing that you just did something with her a day before? Do u really want to know why? i think u already know why...u just dont like to face the truth that you're hurting somebody unintentionally. and because u expect me to be the friend that u want me to be, u think i will understand. u think i will be ok.

S: I am not with E anymore. And pl stop that nonsense about me still feeling for her. It is part of the healing process. U didnt get over your exes in 2 weeks did u?

Me: no reply

Fine Print: You are not with her physically, but your heart, your mind, evrything about you is still all about her..everything you say, everything u do..healing process??is this what u call healing? going out with somebody and asking her (or should i say me) to be your kissing/fucking friend while you get over your ex? is this how you heal wounds? at the expense of somebody's feelings?

S: And u are giving it all up friendship and all because of an entry i wrote as an outlet for my feelings while i am in recovery? Be fair chel.

Me: Im sorry if u think im not being fair.

Fine Print: I know im not fair...but are u? I think what you're doing to me is not fair either. You asked me to be there for you and you asked me not to love you...you sleep with me, you do things with me..then u asked me not to feel for you? are u kidding me? how can u make love to someone you dont love? im not your sex slave! i dont make out just for lust. i make love with you coz i love you. and you know that. you said its just an outlet? if its just an outlet, then why dont you write an entry for private or friends viewing only? why make it for public viewing? because u know that she does not have an LJ account and she can only read it if you make it a Public posting..because you want her to read it..you want her to know how much you miss her..and her kisses and her touch...shit!!

S: No. That is not the point. I understand where u are coming from. I jus wished and asked nothing more from you than your friendship and your presence and not add more distress by jus leaving. What did i do wrong?

Me: U did nothing wrong. I am just giving you time and space to heal.

Fine Print: Why cant you stop being so selfish? why cant u understand that i also have feelings? U dont want me to add 'DISTRESS' to what you already have? and how about the pain that you're giving me in each entry that you write in your blog? in each attempt to communicate with her friends? You wouldnt tell me a thing..u wouldnt talk about your feelings..you say you're not ready...and i respected that but why is it that you can stay up all night with her friends to talk about it? am i not really important to you? when will you respect how i feel about all these? i want you to respect me. i need you to respect me. im pulling away because i respect myself enough not to let you treat me like this.

S: First, no meeting for prayer concert without any reason, then u refuse to reply to sms and refuse to pick up calls then no email replies close down your blog, then no reply about cg then u return all my things, then u tell me u are giving us up. what is next? I am already quite broken and everyday u are adding to my brokenness. Why do i have this feeling u are punishing me? For what did i do chel?

Me: Im punishing myself, not you. i dnt intend to make u feel that way. im sorry if add burden to wat u already hav now. i dnt hav any excuse for that. im jst sorry.

Fine Print: Im punishing myself for loving you. i am sorry i loved you.

S: U are not giving me time and space uncl. I did not ask u to stay away. U did that for your own sake, not mine.

Me: Whats my own sake? i may not be fair to u, but i am not selfish to think of my own sake and intentionally hurt someone. im not like that.

Fine Print: Look who's talking about selfishness... i deserve more credit than this...you know me better than to say this.

S: Sigh...Dun be silly and do that to yourself. Jus be around for me? and lets enjoy the friendship Ok? We got a far greater thing than just something that can be given up jus like that.

Me: Sorry. i can't be d friend i've promised u before.

Fine Print: enjoy the friendship? is this what you call friendship? is this how you treat your friends?

S: Yes Chel, i know u have my best interest at heart and that any hurt u have caused is not intentional...so can we keep this frenship please?

Me: im so tired...im so tired of running and drinking and crying. i hope u will understand. i cant be there for you anymore. thank u for everything.

Fine Print: no, thanks but no thanks. not all friends are for keeps.

S: Sigh...i am tired too..i jus dun know what to do anymore. No energy chel. I jus wished u would value the friendship as much as i do...Anytime u are ready to pick up where we left off, pl let me know can? I really value u and your friendship. I am sorry for everything. Jus promise me that you continue to grow in God k? Duns top attending the church, dun stop reading His word and dun stop talking to Him.

Me: No reply

Fine Print: now u have the guts to question how i value our friendship? stop telling me what to do. stop telling me to pray. im not a hypocrite. i dont go to church because my CG mates will look for me if i dont show up. i dont attend CGs because it makes me feel good. I am not just GAY. my being gay is not the be all and end all of my life. My being gay is just a small part of my life. i talk to HIM, i pray to HIM even without you in my life, i will go to church because i want to be with HIM and not because i want to be with you. Please stop all these superficial christian reminders. I cant just accept and absorb them right now..especially if it comes from you...

SUNDAY

S: How may i answer to those who asked the reason for your absence from cell group and church? What would you like me to say?

Me: I dont know...im sorry for all the inconvenience im causing you.

Fine Print: Now you're worried about what other people would say...why cant you live your life without worrying about others? if you think you've done nothing wrong, why bother? you never worried about how i would feel with everything you've said and done, right? so why worry now?

S: U are not going to church and cg at all?

Me: Im sorry for evrything. im sorry if im hurting u. im sorry if i failed u. im sorry if im not good in keeping promises. im sorry if im not there for u like i've always told u

Fine Print: --- no fine print..i really meant it this time.

S: Jus take some time to sort yourself out, sort your thoughts, your feelings out. U know i will be around if u need. Jus dun stop going to church k?
Me: no reply
Fine Print: Are u talking to yourself?

LOSING END

2006-08-11T18:27:00.000+08:00

AUGUST 8, 2006
10:28 AM

have you ever been into a situation wherein you love someone and that someone loves somebody else? and no matter how hurt you are, with all the things that you've been seeing and hearing..you still hang on and be there for her...because you think this is the time when she needed you most..your love and your understanding...this is the time when you can prove to her how much she means to you...and how much her happiness is so important to you...

have you ever felt like not giving up no matter how hard it is to understand and accept things as they are? ... to just be the friend that you are supposed to be to her...to just be there whenever she needs you and not demand anything from her, be it time, attention or love...that all you can do is wait...and wait...for her to come to you?

have you ever felt like being stretched in all directions and set aside all your feelings just to allow her to heal?

have you ever felt how painful it is to see her crying inside not because of you but because of the person that she loves? because she misses her..and the times they've had? and the memories they've shared?

have you ever felt like crying and shouting in the midst of your work? that you want to go home and not see anybody and not talk to anyone and not receive a 'how are you doin-how is your day' sms-es?? because if you do..you might just literally breakdown and cry?

have you ever felt like you've already had too much?

have you ever felt like you wish you could just give up now and forget about everything?

have you ever felt like you're slowly dying inside...?

THESE ARE THE FEELINGS OF SOMEONE WHO IS AT THE LOSING END...

AND IM FEELING IT ALL NOW...

my big G

2006-08-11T18:25:00.000+08:00

AUGUST 7, 2006
4:37 PM

...in a span of 2 hours and 20 minutes..i am actually feeling a lot better now... its amazing how God works in our lives... making sure we know that He's with us..always...

i just received an SMS and email from somebody whom i've just met recently...we've talked about something then we came to talk about how we feel God's presence in our lives..how He touch our hearts in a very unique way...all the things she said to me were very enlightening... i felt lighter after reading her email...still now, my Big G never ceases to surprise me with His ways to talk and communicate with me.

Big G....if ever you're reading my blog...thank you!! thank you for taking care of me always...and for loving me unconditionally.

Thank you for healing my wounds and for taking away my pains...thank you for teaching my heart the truest essence of loving...

BREAKUPS AND MEMORIES

2006-08-11T18:22:00.000+08:00

AUGUST 7, 2006
2:17 PM

...why is it that everytime my friends would come to me, friends who's going through some problems with their partners..or those friends who had just broken up with their partners...all the pains i've felt from my past relationships would come back and haunt me again??? .... its like im back to zero...after all the moving ons...and all the breakup songs..and all the beers i had....the hurt is till there?? am i not yet healed?? how could it hurt me this much?? its been almost 3 years now from my first breakup..its almost 5 months now from my second breakup...been staring at my computer for 5 hours now...couldnt do anything....i just feel hurt..and betrayed...and neglected...i just wanna feel loved.

" I'll always have the memories She'll always have you"

do i only deserve memories?? im always left with memories...i dont need memories if i've got no one...i want someone to be with me...someone to make more memories with me and someone who will look back with me...

**********************************************************************************************************************************
i wanna go home. and sleep. and sleep some more...and find solace in my own fortress...

im looking forward to waking up tomorrow...and hopefully...forget about these feelings ...

i just wanna be happy...i just wanna love...and be loved...

sigh....is it too much to ask for??

I wanna shout to the world...

2006-08-11T18:17:00.000+08:00

AUGUST 7, 2006
1:52 PM

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

FRIDAY SENTIMENTS

2006-08-11T18:03:00.000+08:00

AUGUST 4, 2006
5:35 PM

...how do i tell her i miss her
...how can i let her feel how i long for her
...how can i stop thinking about her....

...sigh....

*******************************************************************************************************
i miss my friends....
i miss anny....
i miss skye....
i miss my family....

i miss me....

*******************************************************************************************************

FRIDAY again .... used to look forward to this day...but not anymore...coz i've got no one to spend it with...been trying to enjoy my own company...but even myself gets bored with me... a friend just said that LIFE SUCKS....i dont think so... i think its better to put it this way ... PEOPLE sucks!

....im not bitter...im not mad...im not lonely...im just....frustrated!

STOP, LOOK, AND LISTEN

2006-08-11T18:00:00.000+08:00

AUGUST 4, 2006
9:46 AM

You're alone all the time
Does it ever puzzle youHave you asked why
You seem to fall in love and out againDo you really ever love
Or just pretend, oh, baby
Why fool yourself
Don't be afraid to help yourself
It's never too late, too late to

Stop, look, yes, listen to your heart
Hear what it's sayin'
Stop, look, listen to your heart
Hear what it's sayin'
Love, oh, love, love
Though you try, you can't hide
All the things you really feel
This time decide
That you will open up, let it in
There's no shame in sharin' love you feel within
So jump right in
Head over heels and fall right in
It's never too late, too late to
Stop, look, listen to your heart
Hear what it's sayin'
Stop, look, oh, listen to your heart
Hear what it's sayin'
Love, love, love......

it's friday..and im feeling weird....am i in-love? or just infatuated? with whom? or maybe im just in love with love?? arghhhh.... this heart is very confusing...feelings so deceiving...i wanna shout..i wanna sing...i wanna dance...i wanna love!!!!

EVE'S WORLD

2006-08-11T17:57:00.000+08:00

AUGUST 3, 2006
3:01 PM

...went to the Indignation party last Tuesday...and it was really a blast! for me at least...it is! my first time to go to an all-women party (with the exceptions of some gay man) here in SG...whoa!!! i was speechless...my heart was beating too fast...my hands are sweating and my eyes are so busy looking...watching...and staring... confused where to stare at what...at a loss on what to do and where to stay...i've never seen so many gay women in SG till that night...all color, shapes and sizes, different styles, each has their own unique strategies to get attention, from the way they talked, the way they danced, the way they drink their beer, the way they hold their glasses, they way they do body shots, the way they rub their body against the others at the dance floor...and the way they squeeze into the crowds and find their way to be close to you, face to face, and just look you eye to eye and not say anything but 'excuse me' then leave you mesmerized and all.. wheww!!

then i realized...the world is so lucky to have women in it..no matter how fucked up they may seem sometimes, and no matter how contradicting they could be...im still very thankful that we have eve and not only adam

...im thankful, not because of those ladies i've just mentioned...im thankful because of the ladies im with, that night...they are not one of those who stood out, they're not the ones who could make you turn your head again and make u wish you're single, they're not the type who would dance at the pole and play with their tongue while dancing, and definitely, they are not the ones who knows right away what to do and where to go once inside the club...but it was really fun to hang out with these ladies! never felt out of place...we had fun in our own fortress inside the Thumper...none of us has a date so it was a good start..so we only have to rely on each other's company...one is a bit shy, because her crush is with us,she just kept on drinking and watching and looking, had to literally beg and drag her to the dancefloor just so we could see her moves... one is too tired from work but came anyway just to be with the group, very very good dancer..got the moves and the attitude..danced with her most of the time..but i cant keep up with her...she's so good in making eye contact (one good trait of an honest person)..and im not (not that im not honest).... one showed up at a very unexpected attire but she's really really very good in making us feel comfortable at the dance floor...she's the kind of person who doesnt care of what other people would say, with the way she dress and the way she dance...two other friends are with us, they're a couple, i've heard...but no confirmation yet...omg..i know it would break one of the ladies' heart (the shy one) if its true...one of the couple is not so good in dancing...but there's this one dance she had with another girl we dont know...whoaa!!! i wish i could dance like that! she had one of her legs, in between the other girl's legs then the girl started to just dance up and down and around, rubbing both her legs to my friend's leg...i think they were aroused a bit..hehe they kept on doing that for several minutes...hmm must be a good way of dancing...hehe esp if you're dancing with the right person...hmmmm...now im thinking, if i were to dance that way,...who will i dance with?

sigh...enough of my fantasies..thats only a bonus...that party was special in itself...for when i left Thumper that night, i know in my heart, i've got new friends with me... friends who would go all the way just to support each other..friends who will order beer for you if the bartender wouldnt even look at you to get your order, friends who will stay with you even if they've got other friends there because they know you dont know anybody, friends who will email you the next day to thank you for having fun with them...isnt it such a wonderful world? with ladies like this..i wouldnt mind living in Eve's world...

A SONG IN MY HEART

2006-08-11T17:52:00.000+08:00

JULY 27, 2006
2:49 PM

DRAW ME CLOSE TO YOU

Draw me close to you, never let me go.
I lay it all down again, to hear you say that I'm your friend.
Help me find the way, bring me back to you.
You're all I want. You're all I've ever needed.
You're all I want. Help me know you are near.
You are my desire, no one else will do.
No one else can take your place, to feel the warmth of your embrace.
Help me find the way, bring me back to you.
You're all I want. You're all I've ever needed.
You're all I want. Help me know you are near.

************************************************************************************************************

i've always lived a carefree life... always looking for something that will make me happy..something that will make me feel complete and satisfied... i tried to write ... then i got into music ... then i tried to be closer to nature...i tried climbing and trekking ... i joined social civic organizations ... volunteered for the street kids ... been in and out of relationships, long and short ones ... shifted career when i was at the peak of it ... left my home, my family and friends to try my luck here in SG ... all these... done for the so-called HAPPINESS....

but am i happy?

yes... i may be happy...

i have a good job i have a nice house
im able to pay my bills
i can buy the books that i want
i can eat whenever i want
i have extra bucks to buy coffee at starbucks every weekend
i can do whatever i want in my own time at my own pace

is this what happiness is all about?

"Help me find the way, bring me back to you.You're all I want. You're all I've ever needed.You're all I want. Help me know you are near"

i miss the 'old' me...i miss you, my big G ... i miss those days when i can just to talk you with just about anything...without any fear of being judged... i know i've messed up... please be more patient with me... im working on this one.... i hope its not yet too late... i've been too busy, i've forgotten to nurture the special friendship that we have... i know...its only with You where i can find happiness...in its truest sense.

WOMEN IN MY LIFE

2006-08-11T17:45:00.000+08:00

JULY 27, 2006
10:35 AM

...finally!!! I've decided to watch Ruth's concert on Saturday!! Was sms-ing Cat Ong, female acoustic guitarist of By Chance, asking her if she has any upcoming shows then, she told me they'll be performing at the Esplanade on Aug 7, yes, a MONDAY!!! for the Morning Coffee,Afternoon Tea Series...too bad..i cant watch...how id love to go...its been a while since i last heard her play her guitar and sang her songs...she's so good. and very very nice!! Then i mentioned Ruth..hoping to fish some info about my ruth hehe she told me she worked with her before and that i better watch her concert because her band would be taking a break soon...the next thing i know,im opening the gatecrash site already and buying a ticket for the concert!! so..here it is :

Hi chel,

Thank you for using GATECRASH!You have bought the following ticket(s):
No.
EVENT
DATE
SEAT CATEGORY
PROMOTION
SEAT ALLOCATED
QTY
PER TICKET COST
TOTAL PRICE
1
Into Our Faith
5th Aug 2006 (Sat) 7:30pm
Cat 1
Standard
(row:C col:1)
1
S$24.00
S$24.00

Booking Fee:
1
S$1.00
S$1.00

Collection Fee:

S$1.00

Total Price:
1

S$26.00
wooohoooo!!!!! cant wait to see my Ruth again!!!

**********************************************************************************************************

My SMS friend sent me a message last night...told me about this Best Looking Butch Contest that will be shown on Friday, 8PM at Channel U!!! Isnt that great?? A gay oriented event to be shown on national TV...looks like a bright future for gays huh...now i have more reason to stay here...and maybe..i might even apply for a PR status...lalalalala possibilities are endless.....

**********************************************************************************************************

I forgot to blog about this yesterday about the GIRL in the BUS STOP...i saw her last Wednesday (because im late as always!) then yesterday, i was late but not too late..so when i reached the bus stop, its only 8:20AM...i dont know what made me, but i didnt board the bus that has arrived...i waited for this mysterious girl...and at 8:30 sharp, a bus came again...still no sight of this girl...so i just stood there...not taking any step towards the bus..and when the last passenger stepped in, there's a figure running towards the bus....whoa!!! who else....but the girl in the bus stop...i was stunned..dont know what to do..dont know if i should go after her...everything is happening so fast (or maybe im just slow...its only 8:30, im not a morning person u know!)...good thing i came to my senses and before the driver could close the bus door...i was already in the steps... beside her!! whew!!! my heart was beating too fast...not only because she's beside me but because i ran towards the bus hehe then i saw it! the thing that broke my fragile heart...there's a ring in her fourth finger on her left hand....a wedding ring...nice wedding ring..and maybe a nice marriage too...i was disheartened..suddenly...i feel so weak. maybe from the running or maybe because of the ring? ... i dont know ... enough of my crazy adventures with this girl in the bus stop ... i had fun for a while and it made look forward to every morning ... i guess i will still look forward to seeing her ... and smelling her nice perfume ... but my legs will no longer run faster than my heart could beat just to be in the same bus with her ... funny, i couldnt help smiling here when i looked back at what i've done yesterday.

************************************************************************************************************

funny how these ladies could keep me distracted...

...from everything that i am feeling

...from all the issues i've been escaping.

I am so thankful...for these women in my life now...makes me smile...even for a while.

MAYBE NEXT WEEK

2006-08-11T17:43:00.000+08:00

JULY 26, 2006
9:31 AM

spent 2 hours last night...deciding if i should see my ruth or not...dont have much guts to talk to her again...not yet....maybe next week??.... i shall wait and see...again...

and im not in the mood to go out last night...have u ever felt that way?...u feel so bad and worse, u dont know why...worst...since u dont know why, u also dont know how to stop feeling that way...

hungry....
lonely....
angry....
confused...
and
hurt...

need i say more?

HEART AND MIND

2006-08-11T17:40:00.000+08:00

JULY 25, 2006
1:47 PM

My mind is trying so hard to ignore what my heart is saying...sigh....

HEART says : she doesnt want me in her life anymore, no sms, no email, no nothing
MIND says : i shouldnt expect anything, we've got no commitments, none whatsoever

HEART says : i would want to be with her all the time
MIND says : she'll be gone one of these days, so i shouldnt get used to being with her always

HEART says : to fight for what im feeling for her
MIND says : to let go of my feelings for her

HEART says : I terribly miss her
MIND says : its just on my mind

HEART says : I wish she'll love me the way she says she does
MIND says : she cant love me if she already loves somebody else

HEART says : she needs me right now to support her in her battle with her 'gf'
MIND says : its none of my business

HEART says : i should understand what she's going through right now as she tries to forget her gf
MIND says : i should accept the fact that i dont have and will never have a place in her heart

HEART says : i cant pull away now because i might hurt her
MIND says : she will feel a bit hurt but she'll forget me in no time at all

HEART says : i truly truly love her
MIND says : she only loves 3 persons (herself, her bestfriend and her gf)

MORE ABOUT HER

2006-08-11T17:35:00.000+08:00

JULY 25, 2006
1:11 PM

... when i opened my mailbox this morning...i was surprised to find a reply from Julian, a Sound Engineer ... here's how and why....

yesterday, while i was having my quality time with my bestfriend google to search for any info about my Ruth Ling ...i found this website of a Sound Engineer...and whoa!! it was a very wonderful site! with his portfolios and his credentials in the music industry (i wish i can do something like that!) .... and aside from it being too wonderful...it has a link to some of his works with Ruth..during their college days! As i was reading and going through his works...i'm listening to the songs produced and performed by Ruth...then i saw this small button...'Contact Me'...without thinking twice..i clicked it..and sent him an email...quite a long shot on my part because the site has been last updated several years ago...so, while hoping against hope, i emailed him to ask if he knows Ruth Ling personally and if he has a copy of the lyrics of some of the songs in his site... then i clicked the 'SEND' button with my fingers crossed.

dyandyarararannnnnnn....*drums rolling* ....then this morning...i received a reply from him!!! am i happy or what?? whoa!!! im so ecstatic!!! It turned out that they went to the same college in Boston and had some projects together at school and that he's been trying to contact Ruth but her site is no longer updated and so there's no way for him to contact her. And that he asked me if its alright if i say 'HI' to her for him and tell her he's been looking for her for a long time.

hmmm i replied to tell him i'll relay his message to her when i see her tonight (if ever i'll go to Indochine!) or on Aug 5 (if ever i'll watch her concert at NUS) or on Sunday when i see her in church.I was almost tempted to ask him if he wants me to kiss her for him too!!! ;P

now i have more reasons to talk to Ruth....one is to see her up-close...second is to tell her Julian's message...3rd is maybe, to shake her hand again??

when it rains..it really pours...i only want a picture of her..and i found her personal website...i only want a lyrics of her song and i got her sound engineer...what have i done to deserve all these? sometimes, craziness, resourcefulness and stubbornness pays... =)

thanks google!
thanks Julian!
thanks Sentosa!
thanks for the internet connection!
thanks for the one who discovered email!
and last but not the least...i thank the One above....for reasons He and I only knows. =)

****Ruth will be performing tonight at Indochine Waterfront, 9:30PM...to go or not to go...i shall wait and see..

my new singapore idol....RUTH LING

2006-08-11T17:21:00.000+08:00

JULY 24, 2006
5:18 PM

its already 5:18 and im still here...bored...and guess what i found...a website of my newly found SG idol...Ruth Ling!!! =) this lady is so amazing....she sings very well...plays her keyboard superbly and whew!!! her passion for music is so contagious. will tell more about her tomorrow...

BIOGRAPHY:

Full name:
Ruth Ling Yahui

Birthdate:
Oct 1980

Starsign:
Libra

Baptism date:
April 2001

Nationality:
Singaporean

Education:
Raffles Girls' Primary School, Raffles Girls' Secondary, Raffles Junior College, Berklee College of Music (Boston)

Instruments:
Piano, Voice, Electone, Organ, Guitar, Drums, Bass, Saxophone

Interests:
Psychology, food, Friends, Word, Travelling

Color:
All except pink, purple and sometimes grey

TV Heroes:
The Simpsons

Recently Inspired by:
Leonard Bernstein's "West Side Story"

3 words that describe me now:
Trustworthy, Introspective, Adaptable

3 words that I would like to be:
Joyful, Generous, Wise

more about her :

http://www.ruthling.net/main.htm

KILLING TIME 2

2006-08-11T17:16:00.000+08:00

JULY 24, 2006
12:27 PM

another way to kill time... took me 1.5 hours...

AWESOME PEOPLE I WOULD WANNA TO MEET:
1. Mother Theresa (but she's with the Creator already)
2. Ruth Ling (singer/keyboardist)
3. the girl in the bus stop at 8:30 in the morning
4. angelina jolie (need i say more?)
5. ninoy aquino (filipino hero who believed our country is worth dying for)

THINGS I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT (not in any order):
1. Ipod
2. my books
3. food (esp. chocolates)
4. someone to love and care for (not a thing..a person of course!)
5. my camera/pen

I WISH I COULD:
1. be more positive in life
2. use my head and not only my heart
3. make a difference in other people's lives
4. learn how to drive so i could drive her home whenever's she's too tired or sleepy to drive
5. make this world a better place to live in

I WANT:
1. to go home and see my family and friends
2. to start my own business
3. to live by the beach and live simply
4. a partner that i could grow old with
5. to play the drums well

SONGS THAT I THINK ARE AWESOME:
1. Home by Michael Buble
2. Come Away With Me/One Flight Down by Norah Jones
3. Journey by Corrine May
4. I Only Want to Be With You by Vonda Shepard
5. I Say I Litlle prayer For You
6. The Way You Look Tonight

HOW I SEE MYSELF IN 10 YEARS:
1. Married with my partner and living by the beach with her or in a house made of wood with a small garden
2. managing my restaurant
3. have travelled around the world
4. have read all the books in my bookshelf
5. older, wiser, weaker but still know how to live life to its fullest

RANDOM FACTS:
1. i am gay
2. my day is not complete without eating chocolate
3. I am collecting books that i could read if ever i grow old alone
4. i only shop once a year for my clothes and shoes
5. i go to starbucks not for the coffee but for the chance to watch people drink their coffee.

MISCONCEPTIONS:
1. I am friendly.
2. I am a good listener.
3. I am happy and satisfied.
4. I am a clown and not to be taken seriously.
5. I am good in making financial decisions.

KILLING TIME

2006-08-11T17:09:00.000+08:00

JULY 24, 2006
11:07 AM

too bored here...i came across this blog...turned out to be a blog of a filipina...and i found some Q&As hehe good way to kill time...so here goes...

1. If you wake up tomorrow morning and you were the opposite gender, what would be the first thing you'd do?
go to CCK and profess my love to my kissing friend and ask her to marry me. hmm ok ok...not so realistic ... maybe i'll just ask her for a date for the whole day, from morning till supper and hold her hands in public while walking and give her a quick kiss while queueing for the movie ticket and hold her waist while walking to the grocery.

2. If you could be invisible for a whole day, what would you do?
go to the house of my support group facilitator to know if she's living in together with the other facilitator and to see how they cope up with their lives...must be interesting to know they're humans too..

3. If you could completely get rid of one fashion trend that you personally don't like, what would it be?
leopard designed clothes...so animalistic!!

4. If you could dye your hair ANY color, what color would you choose?
violet and green

5. If you could look like any celebrity, who would you choose and why?
i want to have angelina jolie's face and personality, julia roberts' sense of humor, Ruth Ling's voice, and jennifer beal's body.

6. If you could spend one hour with ANYONE, (alive or dead) who would it be, and why?
I would want to say God but i know i will be too tonguetied...so i guess i'll just choose to spend an hour with the president of our country GMA and ask her how its feels to be the president of a country who is so much against her.

7. If you win a million dollars in the lottery, what would you do with the money?
I'll have a big house for the street kids, donate some money to church, pay my housing loan, and bring my family to europe, buy my dream camera, Nikon D70S or Canon EOS10D, my dream phone, TRE650 and my dream laptop, Toshiba Satellite! and buy 2 drums set, one for me and one for that special person who also loves to play drums.

8. If you could tell one person ANYTHING, what would it be, and who would it be?
sigh...so hard to choose...i guess it would be my mom...and let her know who and what i really am.

9. If you see your favorite celebrity in the street, what would be your first reaction?
stunned! would not be able to react...i dont respond well to this kind of surprises...but i think, if i can change it, i would like to just stay calm and savor the moment and have the guts to go and talk to that person.

10. If you could change your first name to anything you wanted, what would you change it to?
alexandra, nickname is alex

11. What's one feature of your appearance that you absolutely like? my eyes when i smile

12. If you were told today that you had only a month to live, what would be all the things you would do, or say before you died?
a month to do all the things i want to do before i die?? so tough!!! i want to learn how to drive before i die, i want to see my nephew, i want to talk to my ex/bestfriend, i want to ask for forgiveness from the people i've hurt, i want to have a concert, i'll play the drums while singing and i want all the people close to my heart to watch.

13. If you could change any part of your appearance, what would it be?
i wish i have nice short natural straight hair, not the long wavy hair. and i wish i dont have a big forehead!

14. If you had your own line of cosmetics, what would you call it, and what kind of products would you make?
not into cosmetics...actually, i dont know anything about cosmetics..

15. If you had your own line of underwear, how would you design it?
black and simple, no laces, no strings,...i will phase out the Brassierres..i will only manufacture undies!!!

16. If you could have one super power, what would it be?
to be able to make wishes come true -- mine and other people

17. If you had the choice would you rather be Marilyn Monroe for a day, or Madonna?
madonna

18. Do you believe your dreams have significance?
yes, i think they are the manifestations of my thoughts

19. Total number of films I own on DVD/video:
dont have much DVD, but i've got lots of CD's

20. The last film I bought:
cant remember

21. Last film I watched at home:
Bring It On

22. 6 films I watch a lot or mean a lot to me:
Girl Interrupted, While You Were Sleeping, L word, If These Walls Could Talk 2, My Bestfriend's Wedding, 10 Things I Hate About You

MONDAY BLUES

2006-08-11T17:02:00.000+08:00

JULY 24, 2006
9:47 AM

Monday again....everybody's busy, everybody's rushing, everybody but me...

I love my work, and i love the fact that its not too stressful as long as im efficient with it. I appreciate my free and very flexible time allowing me to do more things during office hours (not official matters!!). Compared to some of my friends who always stay late for work, or those who still have to work on weekends, or those who work while watching Singapore Idol...i feel very lucky. Lucky to have to a wonderful boss, lucky to have a job that wouldnt require me more than 8 hours of work, and lucky to be able to go home early everyday even if im late in the morning.

but now..im starting to get bored...im starting to think i am not happy with it anymore...i think im getting tired of doing nothing...hmm should i look for a new job now? is this a sign of saturation? or just plain boredom? ... i think i need a new project. a big one! then i will have the motivation i need to get up in the morning and walk my way to the MRT station..i think the girl (who smells so good!) im seeing at the bus stop every 8:30 at commonwealth station (one of the perks of being late, i get to see her at the bus stop) is not enough to motivate me to go to work everyday and feel good about it.

sigh....and its only monday...still four days to go...not a good way to start the week i think...so yeah...i think i should stop this monday blues...wouldnt help me in anyway...

********************************************************************************************************************************
this past week is very tiring...im not used to having visitors at my place anymore...having to go to some places with them or staying up all night talking even if im too tired...i used to be very accommodating to every guest/friend that visits me (friends from phils) ... but i came to the point wherein i can no longer stand to see the magnified fishes in the underwaterworld...or hear the animated talk in the night safari, or bargain with the auntie's and uncle in chinatown so they could get a good deal in shopping for SG souvenirs, or walk to sentosa to take their photos with the SILOSO big letters in the Siloso beach and watch the never changing story of Kiki in the Magical Fountain Show....aside from it being too expensive going to all these places (most of my visitors are not that keen to pay more than $5 for the entrance fees, so i end up paying for them too!) And if ever they pay, i feel guilty afterwards if they feel what they've seen is not worthy of what they've paid...then they will start telling me to bring them to the nice places that dont have an entrance fee... aiyoh!! (expression of exasperation by singaporeans) Singapore is a very expensive country...everywhere u go, u have to pay... if u want a nice place, expect it to be too crowded...if u want to eat good food, either you pay more or you go to hawker and dont expect more...hawker is a good place for good food but u shouldnt expect for a tissue or good service or courtesy... they're too busy for that...i dont know...im not sure if its me or its just my guest now...one good thing though is that its my bestfriend's 3rd time to visit SG..so its just ok with her if i dont tour her around...just a bit unfortunate for her officemate because i just asked my bestfriend to accompany her in going around SG... im not too eager to do those touristy thingy anymore...hmm or maybe its not me...maybe its the visitor thats why im so lazy to do those things...hmmm...maybe its the company..coz i dont really enjoy her company (the officemate) ... hehe i feel im the villain here...sigh!

*********************************************************************************************************************************
last saturday, i went to sentosa with some of my friends to watch the Jazz by the Beach. They featured Walking on Water, an all girl RnB/gospel band...whoa!!!! they were soooo good!!! esp the keyboardist, Ruth Ling! i was so amazed to watch her sing and play her keyboard. i wish i could play and sing like that. Not the keyboard though but the drums. I could really feel her passion for her music...after the show, i went to the stage to talk to her for a while...she's very nice and very accommodating (and also very cute despite being too sweaty!) ... i learned she has a regular performance at Indochine Waterfront evry Tuesday, 9:30 PM...hmmm i've been thinking of going since last saturday night ... dont know... its not that im attracted to her... its like i've seen something in her that i want to have...that passion..the love for music..the way she carries herself...its so contagious! ....to go or not to go? hmmm i'll probably blog on wednesday again...oh and btw...the next day, when i went to church...i was stunned to see the keyboardist in the music ministry...it was her..no other than Ruth!! I was so surprised not to have noticed her before...she looks so different in the church...its like two different persons, the keyboardist of WOW and the keyboardist of the church... its amazing how a situation, place, and people around could make a person look so different from what she really is....there's just one thing i've recognized immediately...her passion for her music...band or music ministry, she's so good at it!

tsk tsk...one proof that im not busy, its 10:37 in the morning..its monday and im blogging...

FAITH

2006-08-11T16:59:00.000+08:00

JULY 18, 2006
12:25 PM

Let go and let God...

1+1 = 2 not 3 not 4 ...no need to ask God to take control of this because its as simple as how it looks..if you're hungry, you eat. if you're tired, you rest... no need to pray and ask God to do His Will for you...not because you dont need Him but because you are HUMAN... you are created in His own image and that you are special and you can decide on your own what to do and when to do it...thats Free Will.

...He gave us free will so we'll be responsible for the things that we choose to do...but why is it that whenever we're too fucked up...we always think that the right thing to do is to just let His Will be done? Why do we have to say 'i leave everything to Him'? ...why cant we just do the things that needs to be done? the things that are so obvious? Isnt it an insult to our Creator to just depend on Him even on things that we can do on our own?...how convenient for some of us...but i dont think thats how FAITH should work for us.

"Faith divorced from action is futile."

THE SENSES

2006-08-11T16:49:00.000+08:00

JULY 12. 2006
1:32 pm

from a blog of a fucked up person like me....feelings, so familiar...thoughts, so similar...

what is it exactly you want me to say?
That I’m happy and joyous things turned out this way?
You may think its over and my bad thoughts are gone
but inside I’m dying, weathered and worn.
You know you choose not to notice what’s right before your eyes
you can tell by one look at my face that every night I cry.
So leave me alone to say what I feelit’s my decision if I want to be real.

What is it exactly you want me to do?
Do you want me to pretend; to smile just like you?
You might be fine living your life as a fake
but I’m not like that, no matter how much I ache.
You know I can’t handle the thoughts in my head
you know I can’t handle the things that you said
so leave me alone to deal with myself
Go hang you part of me up on the dusty shelf.

What is it exactly you want me to hear?
Do you want me to know whenever you’re near?
Do you want me to listen to every word that you speak
or cut out the bad and have the good to keep.
You know you say things that you don’t always mean
but do you think of the consequences;
of the things that I’ve seen?
Because of your words I’ve seen more then I should
Because of your words I’ve done so many things I didn’t think I could.

What is it exactly you want me to taste?
The hate, the bitterness or the happiness you waste?
The little good in you that I once saw
Has left me now, naked and raw
My mouth stings from the taste of your name
My gums are cut up from the taste of my pain
So sew my mouth shut so more cant get go in
I don’t care anymore, no matter how much I sin.

What is it exactly you want me to smell?
My blood from my body as it once fell?
My need to escape from your toxic fumes
Has me looking in all the different rooms
I need to get out before your scent suffocates my lungs
My ladder of hope suddenly has no more rungs
Do you ever want me to smell faith once again
If you do feel this way, when will you show me? When!

What is it exactly you want me to touch?
The sharp edge of a knife until it all becomes too much?
Maybe even the trigger on a gun;
while it’s up to my head, wouldn’t that be fun?
I can’t stand to be there with you here with me
you’re driving me beyond recognition, so now I begin to plead...

You WANT me to see that everything’s going to be ok
you WANT me to smell flowers, when springs on its way
you WANT me to taste food like I did back then
you WANT me to hear the sound of my own laughter again
you WANT me to do what’s right and not ask why
you WANT me to touch my own skin and not cry

But what you want and what you're doing to me are two different things
You think you're helping but you're taking away my wings
I can no longer fly with you holding me down
You saw me flailing in the river but I still seemed to drown....

I still drowned....

QUESTIONS AND HOPES

2006-08-11T16:36:00.000+08:00

July 12, 2006
11.24 AM

why is it so hard to love again?
why is it that no matter how much you love a person, no matter how much time and caring you give to her, she still cant love you back?
why is it that no matter how hard you try, you cant possibly compete with the one she loves?
why is it that she chooses a complicated life with her than a simple comfortable life with me?
why is it that even if the person she loves is hurting her...she would still choose her?
why is it that no matter how many times she tells me she loves me (in mails and sms, not in person), i still cant feel that she means it the way i would want her to mean it?
why is it so hard for her to see that im serious with her and that i love her?
why is it that the more she's hurting her, the more she's drawn to her?
why is it that she just wants to play with me and not be serious with me?
why is it that i feel so incomplete when i cant see her?
why is it that for her, im just one person she can have dinner with on those days she's free, when she dont have a lunch or dinner with her, when she dont have to accompany her bestfriend, when she dont have to meet up with her ex-coll,and when she dont have see some of her friends?
why is it that she always tells me she wants me to bring to places i've never been but she cant tell me she just want to be with me, no matter where..?
why is it that when she told me she's trying to get out of her 'special r/s' , i felt nothing?
was it because i know its really not settled yet?
was it because i know deep in her heart, she still loves her?
was it because i know her too well?ordo i really love her?
is it only because i needed someone and she's there for me?

but why am i hurting so much?
am i jealous?
or is it just my ego?

...they always say...never fall with a BI...but i guess, her being BI is not whats hurting me...its what she does and what she does not ... thats hurting me......

she does not want to be asked...even i've a lot of questions in my mind...
she would rather live one day at a time...than face and resolve issues...
she would pretend that everything is ok even if its not...
she wants to keep everything to herself...but share everything to strangers...
she thinks she's protecting me by not telling me, but she's not...
she thinks its better to accept things as they are rather than dwell on it too much
is this she really is..or is this what i think she is?

....i dont know...im confused...confused and hurt...and i dont know for how long i can stand this...

coz even though i am hurting...i know i still love her
..even though i want to stop seeing her..i know i still want to be with her
..even though i dont want to hear what she's going to say..i know i still miss her voice
..even though i dont want to talk to her..i know i still miss her thoughts
..even though i want to forget her..i know i couldnt stop thinking about her

...i hope i'll have the courage to do the right thing
...i hope i'll be able to start pulling away from her with minimum effect on her
...i hope i'll get used to not seeing her
...i hope i'll forget these feelings i have for her
...i hope i could stop thinking about her

and someday...

...i hope she'll realize that im more than just a substitute in bedmore than just a kissing friendmore than just a person who can accompany her if she's not busy with other peoplei hope nobody gets hurt....i dont wanna hurt her..its the last thing on my mind...and i dont wanna get hurt either...might as well...start...now...before its too late..i am willing to give up the friendship if it would mean saving both of us from getting hurt...

am i hurting?
yes...

do i love her?
yes...

should i give her up?
yes...

more questions....no more answers

...just sighs

....endless sighs...

SONG OF THE PAST

2006-08-11T16:03:00.000+08:00

July 11, 2006
1:47 PM

WHEN I MET YOU

There I was an empty piece of a shell,

Just mindin' my own world;

Without even knowin' what love and life were all about.

Then you came,

You brought me out of the shell;

You gave the world to me

And before I knew,

There I was so in love with you.

You gave me a reason for my being

And I love what I'm feelin'

You gave me a meaning to my life,

Yes, I've gone beyond existing

And it all began when I met you.

I love the touch of your hair

And when I look in your eyes

I just know, I know I'm on to something good

And I'm sure my love for you will endure

Your love will light up my world;

And take all my cares away with the aching part of me.

You gave me a reason for my being

And I love what I'm feelin'

You gave me a meaning to my life,

Yes, I've gone beyond existing

And it all began when I met you.

You taught me how to love,

You showed me how tomorrow and today

My life is diff'rent from the yesterday;

And you, you taught me how to love

And darling I will always cherish you

Today, tomorrow and forever.

And I'm sure when evening comes around

I know we'll be making love like never before;

My love, who could ask for more?

You gave me a reason for my being

And I love what I'm feelin'

You gave me a meaning to my life,

Yes, I've gone beyond existing

And it all began when I met you.

When I met you.

You gave me a reason for my being

And I love what I'm feelin'

You gave me a meaning to my life,

Yes, I've gone beyond existing

And it all began when I met you.

When I met you.

**************************************************************************************************************************

What would you feel if somebody gives you this song...maybe elated? overwhelmed? feels like cloud 9?...you name it, i've felt it..but that was 8 years ago...and when i look back..i still remember how i felt..then again,i would go back to where i am now and realized that the same person who gave me this song..has already found somebody else...funny how strongly you could feel for a person at one point in your life...how you could give everything for that person (even your life)..and then...one day, she will walk out of your life, just like that...was it really love that we felt? or was it just friendship that came at the right time when we were too lonely to be alone? but 8 years?? beats me!! i am as clueless as you are...

*************************************************************************************************************************

This is my very first blogging attempt...i've always wanted to live a life that will make me smile when i look back...but i realized...its harder than i thought it would be...so..i guess it would be better to just look forward...in the days to come...

chel's world

I am so tired.

Run Rachel Run!!!

So much drama...on a valentine's day

Birthdays

Missing me...

sad and blue

Endings and Beginnings...

Addicted to Love

before the year ends...

FINISH LINES

Warning : BITCH mode!

Life is what we make it

Why am i not writing?

Three years now

Lost

an email that was never sent

Friday once again

Healed and Whole

when the going gets tough...

Memorable Quotes from Imagine Me & You

when trust is being tested...

Coping with my Withdrawal Symptoms

Perfect Kisser??!!

Keys to My Heart?

Personality Test

Anger Test

How Weird Am I?

Sigh on a thursday morning

Kissing Test

Unavoidable Laws of the Universe

Back to blogging

Personality Test to Start the Morning

I'm a Talent!

Talent: 67%Lifer: 31%Mandarin: 46%

My very first warning email

I'm going home!

updates..updates..and more updates

SMS talks

LOSING END

my big G

BREAKUPS AND MEMORIES

I wanna shout to the world...

FRIDAY SENTIMENTS

STOP, LOOK, AND LISTEN

EVE'S WORLD

A SONG IN MY HEART

WOMEN IN MY LIFE

MAYBE NEXT WEEK

HEART AND MIND

MORE ABOUT HER

my new singapore idol....RUTH LING

KILLING TIME 2

KILLING TIME

MONDAY BLUES

FAITH

THE SENSES

QUESTIONS AND HOPES

SONG OF THE PAST

Talent: 67%
Lifer: 31%
Mandarin: 46%